Ripped
by beastfan
Summary: Alexis has had enough, and she lets Kate know. Rated for language. Based on speculations flying on finale. It has become a multi-chapter story exploring how decisions have a ripple effect, whether we realize it at the time or not.
1. Chapter 1

Ripped by Beastfan

It had been over a week since Kate had seen Castle. Ten days since she had said she just needed some time to think. She had finally retrained herself not to glance up every time the elevator chimed. After all, she never used to notice. And Castle had said he was not chasing her.(Right. When had he ever left her alone for long?)

Too bad she didn't look up from the file on her desk. She might have been prepared for the red-haired tornado that descended on her.

"Detective Beckett".

She turned in her desk chair. "Oh, hi, Alexis. What can I do for you?" Her welcoming smile was slapped from her face the next second.

At the sound, Esposito and Ryan's heads popped up.

"What the hell?" Esposito gasped as he started to rise from his seat. Ryan grabbed his arm.

"Whoa, there. Let Little Castle say her piece - she deserves it. Besides, do you really want to tangle with a redheaded Irish girl with a mad-on? Would've thought you had better self-preservation."

Esposito didn't respond, but he did sit back down. Neither man had been happy with the latest turn of events between their friends, and it would appear neither was Castle's daughter.

Kate lifted her hand to her cheek, too stunned for an instant to speak. When she took a breath to counter the attack, Alexis pointed her finger at her and gritted out, "Shut up! You're going to listen. What the hell were you thinking!?" Her hands were fisted as though she was trying to keep from striking the older woman again. "You! Oooo! I'm so angry I can't even speak!"

She began to pace, stopping every couple of steps to throw another scathing retort. "How DARE you? You told my dad he was you _one and done_. Do you even know what that means? Or is he just another in your long line of fuck buddies? Just another guy stupid enough to fall for you?" Her voice became simpering, "Oh, poor, pitiful me! Make me feel special and I'll give you a piece!"

Ryan mouth was hanging slack; his hand was almost to his mouth with a piece of the popcorn he was snacking on. Who would have thought such language could come from Alexis Castle! Kate Beckett was getting a dressing down the likes of which he had never seen.

Esposito's eyes were huge. Having seen his share of "correction" in his time in the Army, he had to admit she was pretty good for a beginner.

They both jumped when another desk chair rolled up to theirs. "I've always heard about a red head's temper, but I've never seen anything like this! Glad I'm over here," Captain Victoria Gates commented as she settled in to watch. She was very pleased Alexis was setting her detective back on the straight and narrow - hopefully.

"Sir!" Ryan croaked, "If you want - I mean, maybe we should - you know - stop her..."

"No, no. No, no. Let her say her piece. Sometimes a good dressing down can help you take the blinders off so you can see the effects of your own actions." She reached into Ryan's bag and popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

Nodding, the two men turned back to watch the drama unfold.

Kate finally found her voice. "Wait just a minute! You have no right..,"

Finger pointing at the detective's face again as she stopped her pacing, the young woman responded, "I'm gonna smack you again if you don't shut up! I'm not done yet!"

Gates leaned toward Esposito, "I detect a bit of Dr. Parrish there," All he could do was nod his head.

Kate's mouth dropped open in shock. Who was this girl and what had she done with Alexis? Castle could have told her. Alexis didn't get really angry often, but when she did she was a force of nature.

"How dare your stomp on his heart! Just how many times do you think he can take it? Oh, right, he doesn't have one!" She waved her hands around. "He's just a playboy out for what he can get! Well, why not? No one has ever really cared two cents about him except for what they could get. Kyra left when he proposed," Alexis began ticking off her examples one by one, "and never looked back from what I can see."

"Then there was my mother. Did you know his divorce lawyer insisted on paternity testing? She had been cheating on him since before I was born! They weren't completely sure I was even his! But does anyone think how it stings when people say, 'Gee, Castle! Are you sure she's yours? She's so smart!'? No!"

Alexis was pacing again. "Gina? She was nice to him and he was SO lonely. You want to know why I act older than I am? I overheard him say how much he missed, " she finger quoted the words, " 'adult conversation'. I might have been young, but I understood and tried to help. In the end, he just wasn't enough for her - again!"

She stopped, crossed her arms, looked at a scene only she could see and said softly, "So he gave up on the true love thing. I mean - why wouldn't he? Three women he loved all made it clear he just didn't make the cut." She whirled back to Kate, her anger back, "Then he just _had_ to meet you. Those other women he dated? When they cheated, lied, used him, it wasn't a surprise. That was the kind they were: tramps if you want to be honest."

" But _you_, you were respectable, " she practically spit the word, "A cop, a daughter of lawyers. " The sarcasm was dripping from her lips. "You were _different_. And Lord help you, you made him feel again. And for _what?_"

Alexis looked her straight in the eye, "You're no different from the rest."

Kate sat, her face white from the pain of the words thrown her way. Her mind seized up, her limbs frozen. She didn't notice the girl motion to a very uncomfortable looking deliveryman standing by the elevators. Nor did she notice him headed her way with a hand truck loaded with 3 boxes.

"Thank you," she said, handing him a tip. "Dad left me instructions before he left," she informed Kate. "This was number 2 on the list - Here is everything you've left at the loft; what you do with it is your problem"

Her throat finally loosening, Kate managed to stammer, " Wh...What?...left? Number2? What does that mean?"

Looking at her with disdain, Alexis said, "Number 1 was to pack up his office - ALL Nikki Heat items went to a charity auction for "Children Need to Read". Notes, artwork, his copies, galleys, everything. All photos not of him, me, or Gran were to be thrown away."

Kate flinched at the raw look on the girl's face. This could not be happening; this had to be some sort of nightmare. Any second she would wake up in her bed.

"Number 3," she continued relentlessly on, "Contact the dealership and put the Ferrari up for sale." (Ryan and Esposito gasped at that one). "Number 4: have his lawyer arrange to rent the house at the Hamptons. "

"I don't understand! Why?...What..." Kate stumbled over her words. She couldn't connect the thoughts together.

"Yeah, well, why should you care? One of the last things he did was get a jewelry box out of his desk drawer and take it out on to the balcony. He said something about maybe someone would be happy, then he threw it as hard as he could."

Kate wrapped her arms around her stomach as it clinched. She squeezed her eyes shut, wanting Alexis to just, please, stop talking. Stop twisting the knife in her gut.

"The last time I saw or spoke to my father was two days ago. All he said before he left was he would call me when he got where he was going. Then he walked out. All he took was a backpack. I found his instructions on his desk with his laptop and his phone."

"Wait, his phone? I've never seen him without it." Kate was becoming more and more concerned. Rick always traveled with his laptop and a large suitcase. Where could he be going with so little?

"Oh, now you're concerned? Don't bother. He left me a burner phone. Told me he would get in touch. Old jeans, t-shirt, boots...do you know how long it's been since I've seen him go for more than a day without shaving? He looked like it had been a week. He kissed me on the forehead, told me he loved me and that he would be in touch."

"Alexis," she whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Save it for someone who cares. If I never see you again it will be too soon." She started walking away, but stopped and turned. The small spark of hope died in Kate's chest as the girl said, "Good day, Espo, Ryan, Captain Gates." Then she turned and walked determinedly toward the elevator.

Ryan whistled softly through his teeth, amazed at what he had heard.

"Well, show's over," Gates stated as she stood. "Detective Ryan? Detective Esposito? I think your partner may need some help getting those boxes home. While you're out go ahead and get some lunch. I'll see you about 1:30. Just you two. I won't be looking for Detective Beckett the rest of the day." She walked back to her office and shut her door.

The two men nodded before walking over to Beckett's desk. They each took an arm to help the shell-shocked woman to her feet. Both had to wonder if she would ever be the same again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok, ok. I've been pretty ripped in reviews. **

*** Alexis Irish? Well, the name Rogers is from Great Britain, and many of the family left England for Ireland a couple of centuries ago. Not to mention I live in a section of the country settled mainly by Irish and Scots. When you see a redhead, chances are pretty good their family was from Ireland -like my grandfather. (I inherited his fair skin and over abundance of freckles.)**

***Stop and think about what Alexis had seen her father deal with all her life. She's not stupid. And lots of his heartache came from Beckett. If she decided to take the job and leave Rick behind, don't you think she would be absolutely pissed?**

*** She said, "All I want is you." and now he's not enough. So, yes, I'm a bit pissed at the possible ramifications of the job offer and "Quail" epi.**

*** Ok. I feel better now.**

Ripped - chapter 2

Kate sat in shock. She had never felt so - what? humiliated? hurt? - in her entire life. Slowly the noise in the bull pen increased back to a normal level. Not that the officers on the other side of the room had paid much attention. After all, angry shouting was pretty much par for the course up here. After Alexis left, it had just felt to Kate like she was in the spotlight. Like everyone was staring at her.

Ryan and Esposito walked up after a few minutes and grabbed up the boxes from where the delivery man had deposited them beside her desk.

"Come on, Beckett. We'll help you get these home," Ryan said softly as eh nudged her chair with his hip.

Kate didn't say anything as she slowly stood and gathered her things. The guys led her to the elevator, their eyes meeting as they exchanged a worried look. The whole entire scene had shocked them all, but Beckett, as the focus, was especially stunned. To have someone you had come to care about say those things to you, and to tell you to never contact them again? It hurt. Not as much as it was going to when she had had time to process, but still...

Kate didn't really know the details, but the men and Lanie had been comparing notes over the past couple of weeks. Between comments Beckett and Castle had dropped and conversations they had overheard (okay, so all three had snooped), they had put together a hypothesis.

It seemed Kate was having a more than passing consideration of the job offer from the FBI. That consideration obviously didn't include Castle.

Poor Alexis! Her whole life she had seen her dad hurt over and over by women he had cared about. And Kate Beckett had hurt him in a way he hadn't been hurt in years. It was no wonder she had had enough and couldn't stay silent any longer.

The question was, would Kate actually open her eyes and see. See what Alexis felt inside, see what she and Castle really had. And most importantly, what was she going to do now?

If it wasn't already too late.


	3. Chapter 3

Ripped - chapter 3

Kate sat huddled in the corner of her couch, her hands curled around a mug of hot tea; she didn't think starting on the bottle of wine Rick had left the last time he had come over for supper would be the best of ideas. It was getting late; she had sat as the darkness took over her apartment, not bothering to turn on a lamp. The darkness suited her mood. Her mind flickered through scene after scene from the past few weeks. Things seemed to be so great, but for some reason she allowed herself to get - discontent? Distracted? Questioning Castle's intentions? What had she been thinking? The man had been with her through good times and, not to seem dramatic, through the pits of despair. How could she think he wasn't serious? Had she actually thought he should have no say? If he had up and decided to move to the west coast to be closer to the production studio for his movies and hadn't discussed it with her, would she have sat idly by and said nothing? Not likely.

Alexis. She squirmed uncomfortably. The girl had certainly given her a piece of her mind! She tried to ruminate rationally over her points and ignore her tone of voice and parting shot. Castle was so good at hiding his problems and fears - just like her. She had never stopped to consider how the actions of Meredith and Gina had affected him. She remembered someone telling her Meredith had cheated, but she had not known it was so severe that Alexis' paternity had been in question. Poor Rick! And Gina? Kate had never considered Castle's playboy days were a reaction to being hurt by women he had loved; that by not putting his heart out there again he was actually trying to protect himself. And Alexis. Sure, she never had a female figure prominent in her life continually until Martha moved back in, but neither could she be damaged by getting close to a step-mother only to have her ripped from her life again.

The job offer had seemed like such a good career move. It _was _a good career move. To be offered a place in the Justice Department and a chance to try to catch bigger fish, to be able to maybe stop some of the criminals before they made trouble down on the streets was a golden opportunity for a street cop. She just hadn't stopped to consider it was a LIFE move as well. That she would have to move away from everything she had known for most of her life, away from the little family she had put together: Lanie was like a sister, and Ryan and Esposito were like brothers. Not to mention her dad. The last time she had moved out of state was when she went to Stanford.

Detective Beckett and Kate. The two sides of herself had really clashed on that one. The detective side, the side so gung-ho to catch murderers, defend the victims, had leapt to the fore and "Kate" had been left behind. "Kate" had seldom been allowed out to play until the past few years. The years when Castle came into her life. Sometimes she felt like she didn't know how to be just Kate. But she was learning, and Castle was helping her.

Running her hand through her hair she sighed. She had really F****D up her life. The last time she and Castle had talked it hadn't been pleasant, to say the least. He had questioned her about the job offer and what she had decided. He was still angry she hadn't been forthcoming from the start. When she said she was still thinking about it, he had asked what there was to think about. Yeah, that had gone over well. Fifteen minutes of shouting later he had asked her just how long she was going to need, and she had responded, "A week." He had grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "We'll see," had been his last words as he shut the door firmly behind him.

Could she really leave New York? Leave her friends and her dad behind? She just didn't know anymore. She had told Rick she needed a week to think, yet here she sat ten days out without contacting him. Guess she had given him an answer whether she intended to or not. Her head swirled with possibilities, ramifications, desperate conversations with herself, grab the brass ring or get off the ride? She drew her arm back and hurled the now cool mug against the brick wall of her living room. Tea and ceramic shards scattered across the floor. How could she be so stupid! Think about staying with Rick or taking a job in D.C.? What was there to think about? She knew what life without him was like after the summer he went to the Hamptons without her. Now she knew exactly what she would be missing it was a hundred times worse.

Finally, she picked up her cell and looked through her contacts before hitting "call". As the emergency service picked up she chose the path from memory. "Hello, Dr. Burke? This is Kate Beckett. I really, really need to talk to you. I've messed up so badly." The last word ended on a sob. "If you can talk to me, or see me, I would really appreciate it. Thank you."

She moved just enough to lay over on the couch and pulled the afghan down from the back. She slipped into an uneasy doze, her phone tucked against her...just in case.


	4. Chapter 4

**This story started out as a one-shot way for me to blow off steam over speculation over where the finale was headed; however, due to response, it's growing. I've tried to update it to say "in progress", but it hasn't changed. Sorry. The story is rather AU since it is speculation. In future chapters I will address the issue of PTSD. It's a REAL condition with REAL symptoms and REAL consequences in the lives of those that deal with it. It also never goes away, though the severity can vary.**

Chapter 4, Rick's POV

Rick tossed his duffle bag into the passenger seat of the used dark blue Blazer and dropped into the driver's seat. Slipping on shades against the bright early morning glare, Rick headed out of the city. He wasn't sure exactly where he was going; all he knew was he had to get out of the city – away from his loft, his house, from all the memories of _her. _ He wondered if he would ever get to the place where he would ever be able to stay in either again, even though he had raised his daughter in the apartment and beach house. Both were filled with reminders of the past year with Beckett.

He had an idea about traveling and working odd jobs along the way. Rick had done a number of different jobs, being the only child of a single mother. Everything from washing dishes to picking up cans and bottles for recycling. (Sometimes her parts were well paying, and at other times were far between.) He had also helped build and paint sets, moved furniture, set up and break down sets. Just in case, though, he had $5000 in cash hidden various places in the truck, as well as a few hundred inside the 'pickpocket proof' leather belt he was wearing. He had also transferred $50,000 into a bank account in the Cayman Islands under the name Richard Alexander with a debit card for the account. Not original – but – he didn't really think anyone would be looking for him too hard.

There was a certain freedom having the open road ahead of him – of not having to answer to anyone but himself. His worry for his mother and daughter were put on the back burner. Actually, Rick was feeling pretty unnecessary at the moment. His mother was back on her feet after the disastrous incident with her ex-husband and her bank accounts. Alexis was in college, living in the dorm and spending spare time with her friends, getting ready to intern with Lanie again over the summer. And Kate – Beckett – well – obviously _she_ didn't really need him, no matter what she had told him a year ago.

He decided he would head toward the mountains, maybe go down into Virginia to the Blue Ridge. Perhaps a change of scenery would help him get over his breakup with Beckett.

Damn. He sounded like a high school kid. Breakup.

Since his "new" truck was over ten years old, he had a portable GPS he had picked up a few days ago at a local electronics store. He thought for a few minutes before he programed a route for Charlottesville, Virginia. Maybe it was silly, but he had read some mystery books he had really enjoyed that were set in Albemarle County. He had three choices for routes; not wanting to go through Baltimore or D.C., he chose I-78 to Harrisburg, PA, then south on I-81.

At Allentown, Pennsylvania he took a quick break, stopping for a Coke and a candy bar. He had only been on the road for a couple of hours, but it allowed him to stretch his legs. And give a nod to Billy Joel.

Back on the road, Rick cracked the windows and let the cool spring air flow through. It was a really nice day, if a bit on the cool side. He reached over and clicked on the radio, putting it on scan until he found something he wanted to listen to. It was more for a distraction than anything; otherwise, his mind kept running over his last conversations with Beckett: what she said, what he said, what he wished he had thought to say, what he wished she had said. Maddening.

The morning passed and he glanced occasionally at the trees and fields he passed. The scenery was so different from Manhattan Island! Once he saw what he was sure was a hawk "makin' lazy circles in the sky". That song was stuck on his mind for the next few miles until "Everything has Changed" rotated up. He almost tore his nail trying to hit any button possible to get rid of the song. His hand was shaking when he put it back on the steering wheel. The wind blowing through the window dried the tears on his face. He took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to get his emotions under control.

His growling stomach finally got his attention and he started watching for signs. Around Falling Water he saw signs for a few restaurants. One burger place he had sworn to never eat at again once Alexis outgrew it. He grinned as he remembered sitting at a table with cold chicken nuggets and warm milk while his redheaded whirlwind played on slides and crawled through tubes in the play area.

He shook his head ruefully at the passage of time. Refocusing on his options he quickly nixed BBQ. His stomach had been pretty upset the past couple of weeks; the thought of BBQ made him a bit queasy. Actually, he hadn't eaten much of anything these past two weeks. There was a sandwich shop…yeah, that would do it. He put on his blinker and took the next exit. After crossing the bridge, he started looking for the shop, finding it in a small shopping center.

He got out of the Blazer and arched in a back-popping stretch. "Maybe I should look for a seat cushion," he thought as he tried to get the kinks out of his muscles, "A truck stop would probably be the easiest place to find one." Granted, the tension from the past few weeks probably had more to do with his tight muscles than the short time he had been driving.

Castle gave the woman behind the counter a smile most of his friends wouldn't recognize. It was polite, but small, reserved. He ordered a turkey sandwich and left off the onions, peppers, and mustard he would normally have eaten, not trusting his stomach to be able to handle them. He grabbed a bag of chips and, on consideration, a bottle of water.

When he handed over a $20 to pay for his lunch, he happened to notice a jar beside the register. As is common in small towns, it was to collect money to help with the medical bills and living expenses for the family of a young boy who had been injured in a house fire. He dropped all his change from the $20 into the jar much to the delight of the cashier. Before he left he snapped a picture of the flyer with his new phone, intending to send it to his accountant and have him send money to the family. He had always put money in jars like this even when he didn't really have it to spare. Now when he could do more, he continued the practice. He always did it low key, letting his accountant handle the details.

Rick climbed into the Blazer and moved it under a tree at the end of the parking lot. He popped the back end and sat down to eat. He ran his eyes over the meager supplies: blow up mattress, bottled water, dried fruit and nut trail mix, flashlight, battery powered lantern, and a few other odds and ends. If he had to, or just wanted to, he could sleep in the back instead of a motel. And even if he did choose a motel, it wouldn't be anything like he had become used to. Castle wanted to distance himself from his old life; everything in it reminded him of Ka…Beckett. Even switching back to just her last name was his attempt to revert back to when they were no more than casual acquaintances.

He still closed his eyes and saw her face. He still reached for her during the night, still dreamed about her. Still saw things he wanted to share with her. He so hoped this road trip would wash her from his consciousness.

Castle stuffed his trash back into the bag and walked over and threw it away in a nearby trashcan. "Time to get back on the road," he muttered to himself.

Around four hours later he was rolling into the outskirts of Charlottesville. He stopped at a cheap motel and entered the office to rent a room for at least a couple of days. He pulled out the cash to pay for the room, but was somewhat surprised when the man asked for his driver's license. He hadn't expected that. Maybe he should have bought an Id. card for Richard Alexander. "Oh, well. Too late now," he thought.

By checking in during the early afternoon, he was able to get a parking space right in front of his door. He grabbed his duffle bag from the seat and messenger bag from the passenger floor and walked to the door. He took a deep breath and turned the key.


	5. Chapter 5

**I like Martha. And I think she fills a void in the lives of Alexis and Castle. Even though she has moved out and she and Alexis don't see each other as much, I think this is a time when Alexis will seek her out.**

Chapter 5 - Alexis and Martha

Martha stirred some zucchini, mushrooms, onions, and yellow squash in a skillet. She was just reaching for the pepper mill when there was a soft knock on her door. She turned down the flame before walking over to check the peephole. She always checked now, even though there was always someone on duty in the lobby. Once Martha had mentioned in passing that she didn't have a peephole, and that was fine since there was monitored access to the building. Well, that launched Katherine Beckett into a spiel about people becoming victims because they blithely opened their door without looking. After the fifth case, Martha had thrown up her hands and promised to have one installed. The next day, Katherine had brought Richard over with a power drill and supervised the installation herself. "I guess all those hours helping build sets counted for something," she mused.

Martha opened the door and greeted her granddaughter. She could tell at first glance Alexis was upset, but decided to wait her out. Katherine wasn't the only one to use silence to her advantage. After all, it had worked like a charm with Richard growing up.

Alexis sat in a chair at the kitchen table in the breakfast nook and asked her gram about her classes.

"Oh, moving along pretty well, " she answered. "Cory, Steven, and Bill are doing parts in a small off-Broadway production of Oklahoma! They start rehearsals in just a couple of weeks. It's their first paying rolls, even if it's not much, and they're over the moon!" It was obvious Martha was very proud of her students.

"That's nice," Alexis commented almost distractedly. "I've always liked that musical." She looked down and played with her birthstone ring, twisting it around on her finger. She didn't notice her grandmother's shrewd gaze.

Martha looked at her knowingly. That was one of the girl's tells - had been since she was very small. Something was on her mind, more than just Richard's "road trip". She mentally snorted. It may not have been her place, but what she really wanted to do was give Richard and Katherine both a good pinch! As her mother used to say... and _do_ on occasion. Certainly got your attention! But right now she needed to figure out what was eating at the child.

"Have you gotten your dorm room packed for the summer? Are you back at the loft?"

Alexis nodded but didn't offer anything more.

"Not that I'm not grateful for the company, but to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Found any more notes from your father?" Alexis had caller her in a panic two days before when she had found Richard's note, laptop, and spare phones on his desk. She had found her own "burner cell", as her son called it, in the mail, along with a letter for her an hour later the same day.

Alexis continued to look down. "I...I went to see Kate," she finally answered softly.

"Oh? Well, what happened?" Martha turned the stove off this time since this had the makings of a long conversation. She sat down across the corner from Alexis and clasped her hands on the table. "Why exactly did you go to see Katherine?"

Alexis glanced up and back down. It had been long enough, however, for her to see That Look in her grandmother's eye, The one that said 'I already know but I'm giving you the opportunity to confess'. Yeah. That look.

"I might have said I was disappointed in her..."

"Mmm. And? Surely you didn't go by her apartment just to say that." Oh, the girl was squirming now!

"Actually, I didn't go to her apartment. It was only about lunch time, so I went to the precinct." Her voice lifted slightly at the end. Nothing like confessing your transgressions to your grandmother to make you feel six again.

"And?" Martha was starting to get a bad feeling about this.

"I may have..." Alexis just couldn't get the words out. As angry as she had been, and frankly still was, was a bit mortified at some of her language in front of the other officers.

"Uh oh," thought Martha. "She went off on Katherine, and I missed it!" Maybe that sweet Detective Ryan would let her see security footage..."

Alexis cleared her throat and started again. "I may have accused Kate of using dad and leading him on." She tried to meet her gram's eyes, really she did. But it only lasted a second before she found herself once again immensely interested in her ring.

"Darling, you are certainly entitled to your opinion, and I understand how you feel and how upset you are right now. No one can fault you for explaining that to her. What did Katherine say?"

She looked up and screwed her courage to the sticking place. "I didn't exactly give her a chance to say anything. In fact, I told her to be quiet and let me speak. I even said she was only using dad as a 'fuck-buddy'. And I guess most of the floor can tell you the rest of what I said. Once I got rolling, I kind of lost track, and from the way my throat felt after I got back down to the car, I don't think I was very quiet about it. Not to mention I had a delivery service take the boxes Dad had me pack and drop them off at her desk." She took a deep breath, "I have to say part of me is appalled at what I did, but part of me is relieved. Like I've had a weight lifted. What's wrong with me?" Her eyes misted a little.

Martha reached out and grasped her hands, "Welcome to the real world, kiddo, where very little is black and white." She patted her hands then got up. She picked up the kettle at started filling it. "I think I need a cup of something; how about you?" Alexis nodded, so Martha put the kettle on to heat. As she started pulling down mugs and setting out tea boxes she told Alexis, "While I wish you had used those oratory classes to better effect, I can see the merit in the shock approach. Maybe this was just what she needed to, oh, shake her up a bit. Break her out of her shell. Katherine does have a tendency to - pull away from those who care about her." Martha sat back down at the table. "I don't think it all started with the shooting. I think it started with her mother.'

Alexis scrunched her nose at that. She just didn't see the connection. After Kate was shot, she healed fine. Sure she didn't see her dad, but there was rehabilitation and mandatory counseling. Her dad had said she was required, just a regulation, nothing more.

"Alexis, imagine if you lost your dad. How would your life change? That's what happened to Katherine. She was only nineteen, your age, when her mother was brutally murdered. Then her own shooting. Not in the line of duty - that I think she could have handled better since it must always be in the back of her mind." Martha took a moment to collect her thoughts. "No, this was someone actually hunting specifically for her." She punctuated the last two words with a tap of her nail on the table. "I've seen old friends, boys I went to high school and college with, in the same situation. It's difficult for them and for their loved ones. Sometimes making the simplest decisions seems overwhelming, and running away is much easier. Maybe what you said, harsh as it was, will push her to re-examine her priorities."

She stood and walked to the stove, turning it back on. "Come on. You can help me finish supper."

Alexis got up, walked up behind her grandmother and wrapped her arms around her. "Thank you," she whispered. She was smart enough to understand her grandmother hadn't shared everything with her, or really given her opinion. They would talk more later, she knew.

"Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime."


	6. Chapter 6

Ripped - ch. 6 - Kate's contemplations

Kate startled awake when her phone chirped to indicate an incoming message. Her eyes felt sticky and her mouth felt like something had crawled inside and died. Yeck! Judging from the stiffness of her entire body she must not have moved all night. She rolled onto her back and lifted the phone to checked the display. Esposito texting to remind her to stay home today per Captain Gates orders yesterday. Like she really wanted to face anyone today! She responded simply, "k" and hit send.

She rolled up to sit on the edge of the cushion and stretched, trying to get her muscles to loosen up. Next she stumbled into her kitchen and grabbed the carafe from the coffee maker and started filling it up. She knew she should cut back on the caffeine, but it always seemed like something was going on that required long hours and her attention, some reason she needed to get that jolt. And when she needed to get to sleep, she always had a glass of wine to help her wind down from all the coffee…or two.

While the pot was starting she walked back to her bedroom and pulled out some comfortable underwear, ignoring the matching sets she had bought since she and Rick had become a couple. Looking around her closet she finally settled on a soft, light grey scoop-neck shirt, and a pair of dark grey pants. She wondered if Rick realized he still had a pair of loafers and a couple of dress shirts hanging there. She shook her head as though to sling the thoughts of him from her mind. She dropped the clothes onto the bed and walked into her bathroom to take a shower; she wanted to be ready to go at a moment's notice just in case Dr. Burke was able to see her today.

While the water in the shower was heating up she brushed her teeth and stripped off her clothes from the night before. As she was piling the dirty clothes on the counter she got a good look at her face and was shocked by the dark circles under her eyes. She ran her hands down her sides. She had always had a slight build; her parents used to laugh about trying to find her jeans long enough that wouldn't fall down around her ankles. Now she exercised and worked out to be in top form for whatever the job might throw at her. And she liked being in shape to do adventurous things with Rick -in and out of the bedroom. Now, her ribs were showing, and not in a good way. What was happening to her?

The misting of the mirror alerted her the water was hot, and probably had been for a couple of minutes. She got in, quickly adding a little cold water to the mix, and let the hot water run over the tense muscles of her neck and back. It did little to ease the tautness she felt. Deciding to just let it go, she poured some of her signature cherry scented shampoo into her hand and rubbed it into her hair. The scent of cherries sent her mind back to leaning over Rick's shoulder to read along wit him, his head popping up to look at her and his surprised voice saying, "You smell like cherries!" She hadn't had the heart to tell him she had only bought it to try since it was on sale. Even now he seemed to love the scent, burying his nose into her hair and breathing deeply. Or, he had. Her throat closed over a hard lump. She _had_ to make this right. What was wrong with her?

She finished washing quickly and turned off the water with a jerk of her wrist. Reaching over to the rack she grabbed a towel and dried off before wrapping it around her body and tucking the end. She grabbed her brush from the bathroom counter and started working the tangles out of her hair as she walked to the bed. She dropped the brush on the dresser and her towel on the floor. When she picked up her cell phone from the dresser to check for missed calls her eyes fell on a particular picture in the cluster of frames there. It was taken by Lanie the night of Rick's birthday party. She and Rick were cuddled together near the windows of the living room in the apartment she had rented. She was looking down but Rick's eyes were only on her - and the look on his face! How could she have been so blind. The love was practically tangible, flowing out from his face, his body language.

Suddenly she felt like she couldn't get enough air, her breaths coming in quick pants. She hurried to the night stand, and dropping to her knees, reached behind it to pull out the small electric fan. She hadn't had to use it in a while so she wasted precious seconds wiping a few cobwebs from cover before she turned it on. Her hands were shaking so hard she could barely grip the knob. Kate pointed the stream of air toward her face as she dropped heavily to her rear and leaned against the side of the bed. Gradually her heart rate slowed and her breaths became easier. The fan dried the sweat on her face and chest, cooling her so goose bumps popped on her arms and her breasts pebbled.

After a few minutes she was able to take several deep breaths and hold them for a ten count before letting them out. Satisfied, she reached over and clicked the small fan off. She paused a few seconds before she pulled open the bottom drawer and reached into the back. At the very bottom her fingers wrapped around a pill bottle. "Shit!" she spit out. It was empty. Checking the label she discovered not only was it empty, but the prescription had also expired three months ago. "Guess it's a good thing I called Dr. Burke," she said ruefully to herself.

She felt exhausted and really wanted to just crawl back into bed and sleep a bit more. About then the smell of coffee hit her nostrils; ah, a cup of strong coffee should clear the fog from her brain. Kate turned to her knees; then, hands on the bed, pushed herself to her feet. Yes, she would dress and get a cup of coffee and toast a bagel. And maybe Dr. Burke would call soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Rick settles in**

Rick pushed open the door and looked around. Well, it wasn't the Plaza, but at least it looked clean and didn't smell musty or smoky - one good thing about the move to non-smoking VS smoking rooms. The motel room was pretty much what he had expected. Carpet a pattern never seen in a house, beige walls, fake wood furniture, and generic landscape artwork bolted to the wall. Sigh. Well, what did he expect for $35 a night? The bedspread looked crisp and cheerfully bright; however, he had been around CSU enough to know that wasn't the entire story. He dropped his bag on the dresser and walked to the vanity area to grab a washcloth from the wall rack. He then walked back to the bed, gripped the spread using the washcloth, and pulled it off the bed. "No way am I touching that thing!" he thought with a shudder. He'd seen the results of too many scans by CSU. No telling how many DNA samples you could get from it! He stepped over to the side of the bed and dropped the spread between the bed and the wall, making sure he also added the washcloth to the pile - he sure didn't want to accidentally use it!

That taken care of he walked back to the dresser and pulled out his shaving kit from the duffle bag, setting it beside the sink next to the paper-wrapped plastic glasses and the brown ice bucket. He would have to find the machine later. Maybe there was a drink machine around so he wouldn't have to cross the road to the gas station / convenience store to buy one. Next he pulled out a windbreaker from his bag and hung it on one of the half dozen anti-theft coat-hangers on the bar to the left of the sink. It was one he had bought last summer to wear when he and Alexis took Kate to visit some friends that lived on Lake George. A sudden shower had left him soaked to the skin since he had forgotten his jacket. Maybe he should have brought an older one - one without any memories of Kate….Looking around the room he was at a loss as to what to do next. He roamed the room, pulling out and checking drawers. He found an extra blanket in one dresser drawer, a Bible and a phone book in the drawer beside the bed, and a restaurant guide on top of the TV under the remote.

He picked up the remote and flopped down on the bed, kicked his shoes off and laid back. Too low. He stacked the pillows under his head. Still too low. He huffed, rolled to his feet and stomped to the dresser, grabbed the spare blanket, spun back and rammed it under the pillows. If this didn't work he was getting another pillow tomorrow. Or maybe one of those wedge things. Yeah. That would work. Trying out his new set up he decided it would be suitable for tonight, Now to find something to watch.

Having a state-of-the-art electronics setup with a gazillion channels in his apartment had certainly spoiled him. The TV was an older picture tube model and took up space on top of the dresser. Right now he was having a flashback to his childhood, coming in from school and trying to find something to watch. Only this was much worse. At least back then he could find _Gilligan's Island _ or _My Favorite Martian._ Now, however, talk show - click - talk show - click - infomercial for a scraper to use on your calluses - click - local access puppet show from the local library - click.

He was _so_ bored. If he were at home, he could pop in a movie, fire up his game console, or even head to The Angelica for a classic movie. But getting away from home was what this road trip was all about. After everything they had said to each other, he doubted he would ever be able to play a videogame again without thinking of how he left her hanging that night. She was right. He had taken her for granted. Finally he came upon a visitor information channel and stopped to watch. Now there was an idea. If he was going to be here a couple of days, he might as well figure out if there was something he wanted to do except stare at the walls.

He watched through a segment on featured restaurants he was sure were probably mediocre and over priced. Was he being cynical? Probably. Did he care? Not so much.

Eventually, though the stories looped to the various historical attractions in the area. Maybe he could try his hand at historical fiction? He mulled over the idea but nothing sparked. Maybe he needed to do more research. Maybe he could visit a few of the sites, like Monticello, or Ash Lawn. A visit to the University of Virginia might not go amiss, either. Yes, he would spend at least a couple of days looking around, taking notes, writing some experimental scenes before he moved on. Perhaps, something would click. He would have to stop by a store somewhere and pickup a notebook and some pens. How he had thought he wouldn't need any at all he'd never know. Oh, well. At least it was a change form New York.

_And_ that led him to think of Alexis and his mother. He needed to call, needed to let them know he was fine - well - as well as could be expected under the circumstances. He sighed. He just wasn't ready to face the concern, the pity, in their voices. And what could he say after he had bugged out like he had? Slowing down and taking the time to think, he was starting to realize he had probably - what - overreacted? He didn't think so. He has asked her to let him be her "one and done". He had laid his heart out for her, and what had she said? She needed time to think. Ok. Realistically he had expected that; Kate always thought things to death. "How much time?" he had asked and she had replied, "A week." It had seemed like a lot, but ok, he would give her the week. She was supposed to call. Rick huffed out a "Ha!" that was totally without humor. He had waited, just like he had waited that summer, hoping she would call. She hadn't and he was devastated, pierced. How had things gone so wrong? Lack of communication? Oh, yes. Definitely. How could she have kept the job offer from him? Hearing her say it was "her life" had shot him back to their argument a year ago. Right before she almost died. Right before she showed up on his doorstep and told him all she wanted was him.

Rick ran his hands through his hair. Yeah, that had really lasted.

He focused back on the TV, listening to the drone of the show. Hoping to block out his thoughts if he paid enough attention. Eventually the sound slipped into white noise and eased him into sleep.

It was 9pm when Rick slowly opened his eyes. The TV was still droning on about Tuesday night, Kids - Eat - Free at a local pizza place. His grumbling stomach reminded him it had been some hours since he had eaten that sandwich. He really needed to make a run to pick up something. He rolled to sitting on the side of the bed and began putting on his shoes. Even if he didn't want to eat, he was being overruled by his empty stomach. Pizza didn't sound like it would stay down, nor did Mexican. Maybe there was someplace he could get breakfast food - scrambled eggs or pancakes - something on the bland side. If he was honest with himself, he knew he should really go for a salad and skip the carbs since he had put on a few pounds lately. Tomorrow. Tonight he just wanted something simple, uncomplicated.

He grabbed his keys from the dresser and headed toward the door. He would stop at the office and see if the night clerk could help him find someplace to eat.


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. I'm really blown away. No, it is a WIP, but I cannot get the form to change. I'm sorry if the updates are in spits and spurts – end of the school year is hectic. Now that I'm off for a couple of months (what happened to 3 month breaks, by the way?) I hope to finish. Yes, I'm hoping for a happy ending on the show, and for the story – it's just going to take some bumps along the way. I'm disappointed the show seems to imply Kate is cured of her PTSD. You manage it, try to control it, but it never really goes away. I'm speculating it has played a role in her lack of good decision-making. This chapter is LONG and has much more dialogue than the others, but I wanted to get in her visit with Dr. Burke. **

**Dang – I just went and wrote a long writer's note. Sorry 'bout that! **

Chapter 8 – Kate reaches out

After pulling herself together enough to dress, Kate tugged on a pair of moccasins instead of her normal shoes since she was staying home. She had bought them on their ski trip to wear in the lodge. After being on the slopes all day her toes had felt like they were going to break off, so Rick had pointed the moccasins out to her in the gift shop where they were staying. They were a bit warm for May, but right now she couldn't seem to get warm.

Kate scuffed into the kitchen and took a whole-wheat bagel out of the breadbox, sliced it open, and popped it into the toaster oven. While it cooked she opened the refrigerator and took out her cream cheese, hoping it wasn't fuzzy. It wasn't, which was surprising considering how long it had been sitting in there. She had been spending so much time with Rick, then working the case after their falling out that she hadn't had much time for shopping.

By the time she had poured a cup of coffee and prepared it the way she liked it her toaster dinged to indicate the end of the cycle. After smearing a little cream cheese on it she sat at her bar and tried to eat, but found she couldn't settle. She took a bite and got up to gather dishtowels and cloths lying out on the counter and took them to her laundry area. She took the time to dump the load of towels from the dryer into a basket. She didn't have enough for another load – yet – so she took the basket to the living room.

Back to the bar for more bagel and coffee before taking her plate and mug back to the living room so she could eat and fold at the same time. She was, of course, chewing a bite when the cell rang. She quickly swallowed; almost choking in her attempt to clear her mouth, before sliding the bar to answer once she saw it was Dr. Burke's office.

"Hello?"

"Kate? It's Dr. Burke. I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning."

Kate got up and paced the room stopping to finger various knick-knacks from time to time. "Only when I shove everything into a corner. Which, you know, I'm pretty good at doing." Her attempt at levity fell somewhat short.

"Hmm. Yes, well, I wanted to check on you and tell you I have an opening today at 10 if that's convenient for you?" His deep, soothing voice already calmed her nerves.

"Yes! Yes, that will be wonderful. I'll see you then. Thank you!" Kate clicked off the phone and heaved a sigh of relief. Since it was only 8:30, she had a while before she had to leave. She picked up the stack of kitchen towels she had folded and took them into the kitchen and put them away. Next she walked back to the coffee table, grabbed another bite and a swallow of coffee before picking up bathroom linens. She walked back to the bathroom off the bedroom and opened the cabinet to stack them inside, reserving two fluffy deep blue towels and washcloths to hang on the bar beside the tub. When she hung them up it struck her that Castle wasn't there to need the second set. And if Alexis was to be believed, he wasn't coming back anytime soon.

Her hands started to shake and she felt her heart quicken. She took a deep breath, or tried to. Maybe the coffee had been too much. Maybe she should have a little something more calming. She made her way slowly back down the short hall, holding on to the wall as she went. Finally she was standing in front of the sink, and reached down to the area beside it. When she came to herself she was appalled at what she was doing, for in her hand was a bottle of Jack Daniels Black Label whiskey.

"What the hell?" she gasped, looking with wide eyes at the bottle in her hand. She dropped it into the sink as though it had burned her. It was only 9 in the freaking morning and she was grabbing liquor? Without a second thought she uncapped the bottle and upended it in the drain. After watching her dad succumb to the bottle after her mother died, no way in hell was she leaving the bottle there! After it had given it's final glug, she tossed it into her recycling bin. "Two points," she muttered.

Kate turned back to the cabinet to her left and pulled out a box of herbal tea that was supposed to be soothing for anxiety associated with "that time of the month". She pulled her favorite mug from the dish drainer, filled it with water and popped it into the microwave – not willing to wait for the kettle to heat.

The whir of the microwave was soft, almost soothing. She opened the box and pulled out a couple of the teabags. Apparently she needed a strong cup this morning, she thought wryly. She smiled softly as she remembered back to when Rick had introduced her to the tea. He had brought her a care package – well – two shopping bags of stuff. Wow, how long had it been? Two years, or so. He had wanted to help, but had almost been afraid she would hurt him if he did. A tear started down her cheek quickly followed by many more. "And I did hurt him, didn't I?" she thought.

She roughly rubbed her cheeks to wipe away the tears and walked purposefully into her bedroom. She removed her slippers and grabbed a pair of gray sneakers. Unconsciously, she was forgoing her "power heels". A clear statement that she really wasn't as in control as usual. Next she picked up her keys, phone, and purse. It was early yet, but one never knew what traffic could be like. And she couldn't stand to sit here any longer; she had to _go_ someplace she wasn't faced with the constant reminders of Rick and her mistakes.

When she exited her apartment building, she was shocked by the sun and pure blue sky. Somehow she thought it would be overcast, raining. Digging shades from the bottom of her purse, she slipped them on before stepping to the curb and flagging down a cab. After giving the driver Dr. Burke's address, she settled back in the seat and looked out the window. Unfocusing her eyes made the cars, people, and stores blur into a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors – it helped keep her distracted and her mind numb. The trip actually only took 20 minutes today, but Kate was unaware of the passing of time.

She was so inside her head the driver had to call her three times to get her attention to let her know they had arrived. Kate dug out her debit card and swiped it through the reader, embarrassed the driver was having to wait on her. Normally she had her card ready to go as soon as a cab stopped. She knew the drivers were working on a deadline and time was literally money to them. She added an, "I'm sorry", as she exited the cab. Hoisting her bag onto her shoulder, and taking a deep breath she headed inside the medical arts building.

She was alone in the elevator, resulting in a quick non-stop ride up to the fifth floor. The doors opened and she walked the familiar hallway to suite 512. Yeah, 512, the 12th precinct, she grinned a bit as she always did. "Whatever, " she thought shrugging her shoulders. "Just get going, Kate," and she opened the door.

Kate gave her name and appointment time to the receptionist, Phyllis, along with a muttered apology for being early since traffic wasn't as bad as she had anticipated. Whether Phyllis believed it or not, she couldn't tell since the woman was always calm, friendly, and professional every other time Kate had been to the office. She asked a few routine questions about billing address and insurance, making a copy of her card for the records.

Now she was sitting in the quiet waiting room and her nerves were back full force. The television mounted in the corner was softly playing a weather station. Kate watched for a few minutes until that lost her attention. A stack of magazines on the table beside her drew her attention and she started thumbing through them. _Golf Today._ Uh, no. Golf was just too sedate for her. Give her a good martial arts match or a baseball game and she was good. _Photography Journal. _Not really. She did like to take pictures – some of which she could share – but not to the extent of buying expensive equipment. Most of hers were taken with her phone then loaded onto her computer (and flash drives after that lightning storm trashed her desktop a few years ago). _The World Globe. _She was about to pass it by when a blurb on the cover caught her eye: "Trouble for Heat and Rook?"

The bold script was written beside a picture obviously taken with a telephoto lens judging by the slight grainy look. It was of Rick sitting alone at a table in what appeared to be their favorite coffee shop. What caught her eyes was the haunted look in his eyes. She had seen that look before – when Alexis had been abducted, when they had no leads, he had looked just like that. The desperate, broken look of someone who doesn't know if they will ever see a loved one again. She could see the dark circles under his eyes and several days growth of beard along his jaw. Castle rarely went out in public dressed less than neat, usually he wore a button up shirt even with his jeans. This picture, however, showed him in one of his oldest and rattiest t-shirts. It was the one he only wore if Martha wasn't around since she had sworn to cut it to pieces if she saw it on his body again.

Her throat got tight and her eyes started to burn. This was all her fault! She had done this to him, to them. Alexis had tried to tell her how her father had looked the last time she had seen him, but she hadn't taken it in - sure the girl had to have been exaggerating. Obviously not. "Oh, Rick!" she whispered as she lightly ran her fingertip across his face. By the time Dr. Burke stuck his head into the waiting room and called for her, a mere 20 minutes after her arrival, she was well and truly a wreck. It was a very good thing the mental beating she was giving herself didn't manifest in physical bruising, or she would have looked like she had gone 10 rounds with Chuck Liddell.

Dr. Burke ushered her back to his office / therapy room but continued past his normal chair to his desk. He rummaged around for a few moments, finally picking up his notepad, a pen, and an electronic tablet. Hoping he had given her enough time to calm herself a bit he turned back and walked to his normal chair. Glancing up at Kate, he saw she needed little more time. He also took note of her clothes, sans heels. "Just let me double check my notes from last time…" he said softly. He tapped on tablet, opening a few files, noted a couple of items onto the notepad in him lap. He closed the screen and laid the tablet aside on the low table to his right.

Kate grabbed a few tissues from the box on the table beside her chair. Utilizing the deep-breathing exercises Burke had taught her years ago, she was finally able to calm herself enough she wouldn't make a fool of herself trying to talk. She was quite aware of what Burke was doing and she was grateful.

"I was just refreshing my memory about out last visit," he stated. "Now, why don't you catch me up on what's been happening, hmm?" He gave her an attentive look as he waited for her to speak. He knew from experience Kate Beckett could not be rushed. In their early days, she had sat silent for over half a session on more than one occasion.

Kate drew her fingers through her hair. "Oh, my gosh. Where in the world do I start?" she thought. She looked up, confusion evident in her eyes.

"I take it from your reaction that a lot has happened in the past few months?" Dr. Burke chuckled, trying to put her at ease.

"Yeah, you could say that. The last time I was here was about the letter I had found. I was trying to decide what to do?" she ended on an interrogative note, asking if he remembered. She didn't want to go into it all over again if she didn't have to. At his nod, she moved on to Alexis's abduction, Rick's secret flight to Paris, and her feelings of panic and abandonment, even though she said she understood.

"So you had no idea he had left the country?" Burke asked.

"None. In fact, it was Martha that put it together first. She went through his desk and found his passport was missing. She's the one who called him and made him admit he had lied to both of us; he was actually in Paris trying to track her down himself." All her pain and exasperation came back full force as she recounted the story for Dr. Burke.

"Tell me, what did you want him to do differently?" he asked her, making her focus her attention on the point most upsetting.

"He didn't tell me he was going. I would have gone with him! I could have helped him! Maybe I would have seen the trap his contact set for him to get the ransom money." Kate sprang from her chair and paced agitatedly back and forth, her arms crossed tightly across her chest.

Burke watched her a few moments before jumping in to play Devil's Advocate. "I'm sure you were very hurt when he just up and left without a word to you about his intentions, even though you would have had no authority there. If he had asked you, would you have gone?"

"Yes!" she all but screamed at him.

"And what would have been the repercussions at work if you had?" he asked, still in his calm soothing voice. She wasn't having any of it.

"I don't know!" she yelled, throwing her arms to each side.

"I think you do," he countered in than steady voice of his.

"Fine!" she barked out in frustration, "I probably would have been put on administrative leave again, maybe even demoted or, worst case, fired."

"So by not involving you, he allowed you plausible deniability, and the chance to keep your job. Is that right?" he asked, not letting her hide.

Kate looked like the five year old now, head down, "I guess so. But it's still not right!" she muttered under her breath, but just loud enough for Burke to hear. He struggled manfully not to grin at the bad-ass detective turned petulant child - she would hit him!

"Ok. So he tried to keep you out of the loop so you wouldn't get hurt, either physically, or emotionally by loosing your identity as a cop. Have the two of you talked - and I mean _really_ talked about how the two of you felt during this time?" If he were a betting man he would put money on not.

"Well…when they got back, I told him not to ever do anything like that again, and he promised not to, so yes, we talked."

He could hear the jackpot bells now. "And you told him how much he had hurt you by not including you in the decision making?" He asked as he slid his pen back and forth between thumb and forefinger.

"Well…" She knew he had backed her into a corner again, or rather she had backed herself into one. Sometimes she knew what it felt like to be on the wrong side of the interrogation room table! "Damn!" she thought, "How does he do that?"

Sensing he had made his point, he gently nudged her to move along with her narrative. Kate explained how Rick had talked her into going away for a long weekend to a ski resort he knew, and the result of his snowboarding accident; how she had ended up practically living at the loft while he recovered to help him get around. Alexis was living in the dorm now, and anyway, helping her dad get showers was not something anyone was going to ask her to do.

Dr. Burke got a good laugh when Kate told him how the three women had cooked up the _Rear Window_ style murder scenario to keep him occupied, and made him think he was losing his mind in the process.

"The man can be so exasperating! You would not believe how superstitious he is, though I have heard actors can be extremely superstitious, so I guess he comes by it naturally. Anyway, he even believes in Bigfoot! In New York, I tell you." Kate threw her head back in the chair and groaned.

"It sounds like an overwhelming series of events. Is that everything?" he asked.

"I wish," she said softly, worrying her lip. "Did you happen to hear about a couple of bombs a few weeks ago? One blew, and the other was disarmed by the bomb squad?"

"Yes, I remember reading about it in the paper. I had sessions all day, so I didn't see the televised reports. Your team was involved?"

"You could say that. The one that didn't explode? That was because I was standing on the trigger plate." She had tried for casual - hard to do when your hands are shaking like leaves and your chest is too tight to breathe.

Burke's mouth dropped open. Rarely had Kate seen him without a response. After a moment, he closed his mouth and jotted down a couple of notes on his paper. After a statement like that, a few notes were warranted. Actually the main thing he wrote was "Trigger" , as in a PTSD trigger, and circled it.

"So you stood until the bomb squad defused it? How long did that take? The paper didn't really give many details about that part."

" Eight hours. I stood there for eight hours. Rick, too. He said he was my 'bomb buddy'!" she chuckled at that then sobered again. "The head of the squad came in and told us we had 10 minutes left and that they couldn't do any more. I made him leave; he had promised to do something for me, and that was it. I know what it's like to lose a parent; I couldn't let Alexis go through that. Never. I told him I loved him and sent him away."

"You're here, so obviously something happened to stop the explosion," he pointed out.

Kate smiled slightly, "He came back. That stupid, silly, insane man came back - with coffee! Said it was for when we were finished, that we had solved puzzles before and that we worked better together."

"And you did."

Kate nodded, still looking at a point far away, "And we did. We figured out the code was the man's son's name - well, nickname. Billy." She took a breath and looked at him then, "I think there were around 3 or 4 seconds on the timer when Castle typed the name."

All Burke could do was shake his head. Working with police officers and firefighters never ceased to amaze him. The average person had no idea what these men and women did to keep them safe.

Kate looked at her dad's watch (the one Castle had found in the rubble of her old apartment and returned to her repaired) and noted they had been talking almost an hour. She started to say something about setting up another appointment, but Dr. Burke spoke up. "Don't worry, I have the slot after you open as well. We can take more time. I'm actually wondering if what you have told me the whole story. I've known you long enough to know when you are trying to deflect the conversation. What's really on your mind?"

Kate knew they had come to the really hard part of the past few weeks. She couldn't even look at Dr. Burke as she told him about the protective detail on Eric Vaughn, about how he made the pass at her, how he questioned what she and Castle had, if they were truly serious. She told him about the almost kiss, how Castle had bees SO jealous, how she hadn't understood why. How she felt like they were at a standstill in their relationship, she was unappreciated, Castle didn't find her as attractive and deflected when she asked him where they were going.

Then there was the job offer.

"Ah." Burke thought, "Now we're getting to the crux of the matter." He spoke up when she paused in her narrative, "Tell me a bit more about this job offer." He made a few notes as she spoke about how this was such a great opportunity for her, and such an advancement over what would be available if she stayed at the NYPD. Everything she said was absolutely true, but Dr. Burke got the feeling she was hiding something, almost as though she were trying to convince herself this was what she wanted.

"Very interesting. Congratulations on the job offer," he told her warmly.

"Actually, they called to say I have the job." Kate looked back down at her hands.

"Oh? I thought you said they 'offered'?" Burke could tell there was something she was not telling him.

"Um. See, I called and they set up an interview. I flew down and back in one day. They called just a couple of days later to say I had it."

"So what's the problem?" Burke could already see the problem, he just wondered if she could see all the problems inherent with leaving her support system behind.

She sighed deeply, looking down at her hands as she shredded the tissues. She couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes as she admitted to hiding the trip from Rick, told Burke about the argument at her apartment and what she had said. She could barely get out she had told him it was her life and this wasn't about "them".

"And why do you think you feel this way?" he asked, wanting her to probe her feelings. He also knew standing on a bomb for close to 8 hours did nothing good for her PTSD. He had some other questions to ask that should give him a clear picture.

"I don't know. I love my job, New York, the people I work with are my family. And then there's Rick and his mother and daughter. We've been dating a year, and I don't know what he wants from this relationship. We tried to talk after our argument. He gave me a ring and asked me to marry him."

"I think that pretty well sums up what he thinks, don't you?" If she hadn't known better she would have thought she detected a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

"I don't know if he really meant it; I don't know…" she sighed. "I just don't know. I told him I would let him know in a week, and it's been 10 days. His daughter came to see me - ripped me a new one, too. Gave back everything I had left at his apartment. Told me he was gone. Left his phone and laptop behind. I've never seen him without his phone, well, except that time we got caught up…never mind. Anyway, he never travels without his laptop." She stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait! Where are you going?" He was shocked to say the least.

"Just a minute!" She called back; then, she returned and closed the door again. She handed Dr. Burke the copy of the magazine she had been looking at when he called her back. "Maybe this will explain."

Curious, he took the magazine from her and looked at he cover. Opening to the indicated page, he skimmed the article. Yes, that did explain a lot. He had seen pictures of Richard Castle before, and he had to say he looked rough. It seemed his patient wasn't the only one suffering. He rolled the magazine and tapped his chin a moment, thinking about how to proceed. Then he got up and went to the cabinet behind his desk and pulled out a new legal pad. He sat back down and began to explain to Kate. "You say you don't know how to react, how Rick thinks, about the job. Let's look at this another way. How about we make a list of what you _do_ know."

"What do you mean?" she asked him, genuinely confused at the moment.

"Let's start with your current position. What do you know about your job? How does it make you feel?" he asked, trying to give her a starting point. Maybe if she say how much she was certain about, he could start to pull her out of the depression into which she was sliding.

"I love what I do. I can give families of murder victims closure, most of the time. Those times I can't tear me apart. The long hours are worth it to give them some measure of relief. Castle makes me eat on those days or I forget, I get so caught up in cases."

She had spoken so quickly, Burke had a hard time keeping up. "Good. Good. Now, what about the people you work with? What do you know about them?"

"Espo and Ryan are the best partners I've worked with; Espo longer than Ryan. They're so different - Espo's family is from Puerto Rico and Ryan's are from Ireland. Both are second generation. I'm an only child, but those two are what I think having brothers would be like. We look out for each other." Kate smiled warmly as she spoke about her "boys". "Then there's Lanie Parrish, the ME we work with about 90% of the time. We've known each other about 10 years now - she always tells it like it is, doesn't take crap from anyone."

"What about your new captain?" Burke asked, "I know you had reservations when she first came on board. Have things changed?"

"As a matter of fact, yes. I respect her a lot more now than I did then. I guess I was resentful toward anyone that wasn't Montgomery. She knows about Castle and me and is okay with it as long as the PDA stays out of work." Her face clouded a bit; she wasn't sure it was going to be an issue anymore. Burke was quick to note the change in her expression.

"How about Richard's daughter and mother? I know at one time you were unsure about how they would accept you. How has that worked out? You mentioned the three of you worked on the trick you played on him…"

"Martha is wonderful. She's flamboyant, and exuberant…and she makes me feel like I haven't felt in years. I don't mean she's taken my mother's place or anything like that, but she treats me like I'm family. I've missed having an older woman to talk with." Until this little exercise, Kate hadn't realized how much she really had here in New York. When it came time to list the positives of the move to D.C., she wasn't sure there was going to be anything on that side of the chart.

"How about his daughter? You said she 'ripped you a new one' at the precinct the other day. How do you feel about your relationship now?" Burke knew Kate loved the girl more than she would admit; it was evident in her tone and expression whenever she spoke of her. Except today.

"I think Alexis can go on the other side of the chart there. I think I've destroyed any chance we had to become closer. She said if she never sees me again it will be too soon. And for Rick, not having the approval of his daughter will, I'm sure, be a deal breaker." Tears ran down her face as she contemplated yet another ripple from her actions.

Dr. Burke sat and thought a moment. "I know we're running out of time, but there are just a couple of questions I want to ask you." At her nod of assent he continued. "Number one, how have you been sleeping? And, number two, I noticed you have not been taking your medication on a regular basis. Care to explain your reasoning? Side effects bothering you, for instance?"

"I was sleeping better, but…" she hesitated before continuing. "Rick and I were spending a lot of time together, you know? And when I was with him I had fewer nightmares and much fewer night terrors. I think the first one I had scared him to death. Next thing I knew he was doing research on what they were and how to deal." She almost broke, "Now…now that he's gone….I haven't really slept much. I guess the medication issue is pretty much the same. I had a hard time remembering it as it was, what with my crazy hours and all. But, I was so much better I guess I didn't think about it." She fell silent as she contemplated her answers.

"Ok. Here is what we're going to do. You and I need to talk more, but I'm sure you're exhausted. I'm writing you a prescription again, and I'm requesting they split the pills between two bottles - one for home and one for your purse, or desk, whichever is easier - just lock it up. It's the same thing they do for kids: home bottle, school bottle. And I'm writing you a very, very low dose of a sleep aid. I don't want you to become dependent on them, but you need to start sleeping to function. I'm only giving you 5 pills. After these, well move to a nonprescription route. And another thing, how much caffeine and alcohol are you consuming?" he asked her very pointedly. He knew in her condition she was probably self medicating, even if she didn't realize it.

"You know, I haven't really thought about how much coffee I've been drinking, but something did happen this morning." She proceeded to tell him about the liquor bottle. Even though he didn't say much, she could tell Dr. Burke was concerned. He told her to lay off all alcohol, and he wanted her to keep a food and drink log. He showed her an app she could download to her phone that would enable her to track her intake, and give her a caloric count as well as vitamins and minerals. He grinned, "Much easier than trying to keep up with a notebook!"

After almost two hours, Kate finally exited the medical arts building. A new app on her phone, diet restrictions, two prescriptions, and an appointment for two days from today. She was mentally and physically exhausted, almost falling asleep in the cab on the way home. After exiting the cab she stepped across the street to a small bodega to buy juice, bread, yogurt and a paper. She carried her purchased upstairs and put the food in the refrigerator. Kicking off her tennis shoes she then sank down on the couch with the paper. She was thumbing through the Arts section when something caught her eye.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is more of a transitional chapter. I wanted to show Rick is trying to hide from his feelings for Kate and his pain. He's at least doing research again, even if it doesn't pan out. If you have read any Rita Mae Brown, you will get the reference to the corgi and tabby.**

Chapter 9 - Rick copes

Rick valiantly tried to open his eyes and roll to slap the snooze button on the clock radio. On the second attempt blessed silence reigned in the room. Nothing like old fashion country music to jerk you out of a sound sleep. He didn't have much choice; the radio would only being in country stations. It was a conspiracy, he knew.

He sighed and scrubbed his face. Who was he kidding? All - well, most - of his conspiracy theories were just to get Beckett wound up, to see her roll her eyes, or give him that quirk of her eyebrow. He just didn't see the fun anymore if she wasn't here to pester.

He threw back the sheet and rolled to sitting, Before the clock could go off again he cut it off properly. Once a day was a gracious plenty. "Good grief! I'm picking up colloquialisms." He chuckled at himself. He pulled himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom. A couple of minutes later he reappeared and washed his hands.

Leaving the water on to heat he got out his shaving gear. He had discovered something very important yesterday. While his fans might like the scruffy look, the docents at Ash Lawn weren't so accepting. He showed up in worn, comfortable jeans, an old t-shirt and a daypack with his notebook and pens…and about 4 days growth of beard. He took the tour, pen and notebook in hand, making notes on anecdotes told during the tour, knowing many would not be in the guide he was sure would be available in the gift shop. It wasn't long before he noticed he always had someone near him; one man even asked him what he was writing! It was odd, too, that he almost tripped over a beautiful corgi as he turned from making notes about the view from the side yard. "Oops, sorry sweetie! Aren't you a pretty thing?" he said, unsure whether it was male or female. The corgi 'grinned' at him, wagging its stub tail before turning to gallop toward the house. Just before it turned the corner, he distinctly saw a small tabby cat leap from under a bush and take off after the dog. He just shook his head with a smile.

In the gift shop he looked for some trinket to send to Alexis or his mother. He felt like someone was watching him, and sure enough they were! He had never felt so uncomfortable in his life. He quickly paid for a pin for his mother and a quilled star for Alexis. When he asked about having them mailed to New York, the associate thawed somewhat, and was quite helpful when she learned they were for his mother and daughter. Apparently rapscallions didn't have loving families.

Today, when he planned on touring Monticello, he decided on an experiment. He shaved. He pulled on a pair of khaki cargo shorts, his tennis shoes since he didn't relish walking around in his hiking boots, and a solid blue pocket t-shirt. Once again armed with his day pack, he added bottled water, and an inexpensive digital camera he had bought at a local discount store the night before.

His reception was very different. "Hmm. Interesting," he thought. He was somewhere people didn't know him, in an area where scruffiness was often associated with untrustworthiness. He made notes of his discovery in the notebook he carried with him. Maybe he could use his insights somehow? He wasn't ready to start writing again, didn't know when he might be ready. He did know, however, that any information he could gather would possibly be helpful at some point. If nothing else he would put this notebook in the file drawer with the others. At any rate, he followed the same process as he did at Ash Lawn, only he quickly realized he would need two days here. Just as before, he perused the gift shop looking for something for Alexis and his mother. As he looked over the jewelry he started laughing, drawing a look from the clerk behind the counter. There in the case was a collection of peapod jewelry: necklace, earrings, bracelet, and pin. He couldn't resist: he got two of each. Once again, he arranged to have his purchases mailed home, only this time he had them sent to his attorney's office with instructions to have them given, but to not tell his mother or daughter where he was. He had slipped up when he had the other items sent straight to the loft.

After a hot day outside, he was thankful to return to the cool of his motel room. Rick stripped of his sweaty clothes and headed for a cool shower. He realized how much sun he had gotten when he noticed the red on his arms. The cool water soothed the burn, but he knew he needed to put something on it tonight, and get a bottle so sunscreen if he planned to go back tomorrow.

Rick opened the door of his room for the second time that day. He dropped the bag from the discount store on the dresser and stripped down to his boxers. He was comfortably full from the buffet at the restaurant just down the road, and they had had ice cream. Real ice cream, not soft serve. And he had been able to dress it with a number of his favorite things (chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and gummy bears to name a few).

He picked up the remote and turned on the TV before he flopped down on the bed. He flipped through the channels before stopping on a basketball game. Apparently, it was a finals match, but he had been paying so little attention lately he couldn't have told anyone who was playing. He lay and let the sights and sounds wash over him, not really paying attention even now. Unintentionally, his thoughts wandered to Beckett. He wondered if she was on a plane to D.C. yet. Or was she packing to leave. After a few minutes he became angry with himself. This trip was supposed to help him forget, not remind himself of her at every turn.

He rose from the bed and went back to the bag he had dropped on the dresser and pulled out the Virginia road map he had bought. He had the GPS in the truck, but you had to know where you were going before you could program it. And he definitely had no idea where he was going - either on the road, or in his life. He had never before felt so adrift. Spreading the map out on the bed, he lay partially on the bed, his 6'2" frame not allowing all of him on the full sized bed.

"Where to go?" he muttered softly. Not the coast since it reminded him of his beach house and the times he had taken Kat - Beckett - there. He wondered how long it was going to take before he could bring himself to return there…. He shook his head sharply, "Anyway…do I head further south, or go west?" After a few minutes of looking he pushed off the bed and dug in his pocket, pulling out a dime. Rick turned his back to the bed and tossed the coin over his shoulder. Turning to look, he found it laying on Hampton. He picked it up and spoke to it, "As much as I would love to go to Langley, I said I didn't want to go toward the coast. Let's try again." He turned and tossed the dime once more. This time it landed on Richmond. "Hmm, possibly, though I really didn't want to go to a big city. One more time." Once more he tossed the coin and turned to see where it landed. He couldn't find it. He checked the map, the blanket, the pillow - nothing.

He huffed in annoyance. "This is getting ridiculous." He pulled out another coin from his pocket, this time a quarter. "Maybe this won't bounce too far." He tossed it and definitely heard the sound of it hitting paper. Turning he found it had landed further south along Interstate 81 and a bit to the west. "Good enough," he said with satisfaction, re-folding the map and stuffing it into his duffle bag.

He wanted to get one more day in at Monticello, but he also wanted to be ready to go as well. He settled for grabbing his socks and dirty boxers and heading to the bathroom. He was quite conversant with hand-washing clothes from as far back as boarding school. He ran water in the tub and proceeded to wash out his things then hung them on the rails. The heat lamp overhead in the rub area would help get them dry before it was time to leave. And it not, he was quite willing to spread the socks and boxers on the dash and let the sun dry them. His mother and daughter would be appalled, but they weren't here, were they?


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 - Back to Work**

Kate put her poker face firmly in place during the ride up to homicide. All she wanted was to make it to her desk and, hopefully, disappear for her shift. Fat chance. She was sure the incident with Alexis had been cheerful grit for the rumor mill since Monday morning. If she got through the day without a breakdown or slapping someone silly she would be incredibly lucky.

Even though she had tried to time her arrival before most of the crew, she was a bit surprised to see the light on in Captain Gate's office at 7am. Figuring this was as good a time as any, she pulled the Dr.'s note for her absence the day before - even though Gates had basically told her not to come in. It never hurt to cover yourself, and the person doing you a favor. Kate walked to the office door and knocked. At Gate's signal, she opened the door and walked in.

"Sir, I wanted to give you this work permit," she said as she handed it over. To her credit, Gates gave no indication she was surprised to see the name of one of the department's psychiatrists' on the sheet. She had read Beckett's personal file, and knew she had seen him before. She was also wise enough to figure her star detective had hit a rough patch and was not going to kick her while she was down, so to speak.

"I hope you're feeling better, Detective," she said, acting as nonchalant as though it were a minor office visit. She also knew Beckett wanted to keep things private.

"Yes, sir. I'm getting there, I will have some follow up visits, but I won't let it get in the way of my work," Beckett assured her.

"That's what I'm afraid of," Gates told her seriously.

"Sir?" Beckett was stumped as to what her captain meant and her expression showed it.

"Sit down, please. We need to talk." After Beckett had seated herself somewhat uncomfortably in the chair in front of the desk, Gates resumed. "What I mean is, there are some things that cannot be - swept under the rug," she said with a sweeping motion of her hand. "You stood on a bomb, Detective. For 8 hours! You and Mr. Castle could very well have died that day. That is a lot to deal with, no matter how strong you are," Gates explained. "Good grief," she thought, "it's like trying to explain myself to my children!"

"Please, Sir, I cannot just stay home…" she stopped talking when Gates held up her hand.

"I'm not saying you should. However, you do have some issues you need to deal with. I want you to work on some files for me. There are a number that need to be updated in the computer data base. It should take you a week to do what I have in mind. After that, we'll talk again."

"Yes, Sir," Beckett nodded. She knew very well she could be cooling her heels at home until Burke and Gates agreed she had pulled herself together. She would take the assignment. As she turned to leave, Captain Gates stopped her, "Detective, I do have a question, if I may?"

"Of course, Sir," she said, but on the inside she thought, "Ok, here it comes."

"What did you decide about the job offer from the Justice Department? I'm just curious."

Of all the possible questions, she hadn't been expecting that one, though she should have, she guessed. She had actually figured Gates wanted to know about the incident with Alexis. Frankly, that one would have been easier to answer.

"I..I just don't know, Sir. I know it's a great opportunity, the kind that only happens once in a lifetime, but I'm torn." Beckett tried to put her thoughts in order, but couldn't seem to.

"Well, I know everyone has been saying what they think you should do. What you have to consider is what decision you can live with," Gates told her. Beckett was surprised to hear Burkes words echoed back to her from when she was deciding what to do about the letter. Hide it and maybe let Bracken be killed, or turn it in and catch his stalker.

Beckett nodded, "Thank you, Sir. I'll certainly keep that in mind."

"Very well, Detective. Dismissed."

Beckett walked back to her desk to find two stacks of files there. She was sure if she made it through them before the end of a week, Gates would find more. When she tamped down her natural resentment for paperwork, she felt gratitude toward the woman for giving her the time and space to get herself together…And this wasn't just busy work, it sincerely needed to be done, which lessened the sting a bit. A small bit.

She had been working about half an hour when Esposito exited the elevator. He hesitated a fraction when he saw her at her desk then continued on toward his own. "Hey, Beckett," he called as he went by. He pulled off his jacket and slung it across the back of his chair. He grabbed up his coffee cup and headed to the break room. He stopped at her desk and pointed at her empty mug. "I'm grabbing a cup, you want me to fill yours while I'm at it?"

Beckett started to say yes, then she remembered her new restrictions. "Actually, I'm cutting back on the caffeine." She reached into her purse and pulled out a box of herbal tea. "But if you don't mind, can you get me some hot water?" she asked as she dropped a bag into her mug.

"Sure. Sure. No problem. Be right back." Esposito managed to get the words out without choking. He tried to casually walk on into the break room before he pulled out his phone as soon as he was out of sight of her desk.

"Bro!" he texted Ryan. "We got a Beckett impostor here!"

"?" Ryan sent back.

"Hot tea, no caffeine!"

"You don't think she hit her head, do you?"

"Think something to do w/ out yesterday."

"K. B thr in 15."

Esposito put away his phone and set about getting his coffee and Beckett's tea. He shook his head. As much coffee as she usually drank in a day she was either going to pass out asleep on her desk, or crash on the couch with a migraine. And with either one there was always the lovely possibility of her turning into a snapping, snarling badger. Maybe they would get a body….

Beckett glanced up as Espo put her mug beside her keyboard and thanked him before returning to the file open in front of her. She was using a ruler under the lines on the form and comparing the information to the computer file, making corrections to the database as needed.

After Ryan arrived, he and Espo watched her surreptitiously as they finished their own paperwork. The case just closed had to be entered into the database, and the paper copy had to be completed and signed off on as well. Sure it was a duplication of information, but one lightning strike or fire could potentially destroy thousands of files. And, a hacker might change the electronic copy, but the archived file was another matter.

"What is she working on?" Ryan enquired softly.

"Don't know," he whispered back. "She was going through those files when I got here. She seems to be comparing them to the database. That's a rookie job. Or, a 'you screwed up' job."

"Huh. Think we can get her to tell us what's going on at lunch?" Ryan asked.

"Maybe. Let me text Lanie and see if she'll go with us. Think we're going to need backup on this one, bro." Esposito pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to the morgue. In a few minutes, Lanie responded back that she would be able to get away, and would be more than happy to help ambush her friend.

Lunchtime finally rolled around and the boys couldn't stand it any longer. They walked up to Beckett's desk with every intention of taking her to lunch, even if they had to drag her out to do it. Beckett wasn't really in the mood to have company or to eat, but figured it would be a distraction from her own thoughts, knowing the quiet would make it harder to think. She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and her purse from the desk drawer before heading out with the guys. Lanie had agreed to meet them at a new Italian buffet that had just opened not far from the station. Beckett had insisted on the restaurant for a simple reason - she and Castle had never eaten there, so there were no memories.

After they had gotten their plates and were seated at a table in the back of the restaurant, they made small talk as they started on the meal, commenting on this and that. Finally, Lanie stretched her leg across under the table and tapped Esposito on the shin. He took the hint, and a large swallow if his cola. "So, Beckett, what're you working on today? Looked like Gates has you up to the nose in files."

"Yeah, well, if you stacked them up I think they would be over my head!" she responded with an attempt of humor. Her face dropped the grin and she looked down with intense interest at her plate, poking her fork at her spaghetti. "Seriously, though, I'm glad she's letting me stay at the precinct instead of making me stay home, you know, after everything that happened the other day." It was obvious she wasn't ready to open up - the question was whether to push or wait. "If a body drops, you'll have to do without me for a week." She looked up at the boys and attempted a smirk, "Think you can handle it without me holding your hands?"

Esposito snorted, "As if!"

Ryan, always the more quiet of the two, said softly, "We've got your back, you know. Whatever you need, just let us know."

Kate's eyes misted a bit at his quiet declaration of support. Her unofficial family - two brothers and a sister, if she were to be honest with herself. How could she have considered leaving her support system? All she could do was nod her assent. She wasn't ready to try to explain her relapse, and how she had basically pushed Castle away with her emotional freeze. Lanie, sensing Kate needed a moment to recover from _their_ moment, asked Ryan how Jenny was doing with her morning sickness. And the ball was rolling with anecdotes and home remedies morphing into horror stories of wives breaking their husbands hands while in labor, as well as letting the entire floor know what they had done and what was NEVER happening again. The laughter was free wheeling and sooner than they realized it was time to head back.

Beckett finished the file in front of her and placed it on the "Out" stack to go to the records storage area. This one had been missing a lot of information in the data base and had taken over 2 hours to complete. She arched her back in her chair, stretching the tired muscles before reaching for the next file. She started when her hand landed on skin instead of folder.

"Sorry, Detective, didn't mean to startle you." Gates sounded more amused than apologetic, actually.

"That's okay, Sir. Did you need something?"

"Actually, yes. You can go home. It's 7pm. You've done enough for one day. These files will be here in the morning."

"B.." Beckett tried to plead her case. Even though she was sure there was an unending supply of paperwork - wasn't that just the way - she really didn't want to face going home.

"No buts. Goodnight, Detective," Gates said before turning to head back toward her office.

"Yes, Sir. Goodnight," Beckett called knowing 'resistance was futile". "Ugg! I sound like Castle!" she thought. She grabbed her coffee cup and headed to the break room to wash it out. (Only once had she left it sitting only to return the next morning with a roach enjoying the leftovers. Actually, that was the cup _before_ this one. That one was at the bottom of a landfill.)

After taking care of that, she shut down her computer and grabbed her things and made her way to the elevator, wondering what she wanted for supper, effectively pushing aside the ache of missing him.

An hour after leaving the station, she unlocked her door and entered the dark, silent apartment. She put her salad on the counter and went to change. She took off her heels and put them on the shoe rack in her closet. She quirked a grin when she remembered searching an apartment and Castle remarking the woman had more stilettos than she did. Her dress slacks went on a hanger and her shirt and under things went into the hamper. Tomorrow she would need to wash clothes, but not tonight. She was just too tired - yeah, day one of no caffeine.

Her favorite pajamas were in the hamper, so she pulled out an old, well-worn tank top and a pair of knit shorts. They would do to sleep in tonight. Her skin felt sensitive for some reason, and the soft cloth felt comforting. She threw on a lightweight robe and was ready to go.

With a sigh she returned to the kitchen and picked up her salad container; it was the only thing she thought she could keep down tonight in the dark and empty apartment. She stirred up the dressing and toppings while listening to messages on her machine - a reminder about her next appointment with Burke, the Times wanting her to subscribe, and finally her dad. Since the fight, blow-up?, with Castle, her dad had started calling more often just to leave a short message for her to find when she got home. "Hey, Katie! Just wanted to check in and make sure we're still on for brunch Saturday morning at 11:30. If anything changes, let me know. Love you! Bye".

She had to smile at his message. Yeah, her life might be going down the toilet, but her dad still loved her. That had to count for something, right? Her lip started to tremble. She closed the clamshell and stuck it in the refrigerator. Propping on the counter, she let the tears roll. When she finally stopped crying, she was sitting on the floor in the corner of the cabinets. She just didn't think she could do this alone, but the only person to share it with was gone…somewhere. Slowly, Kate pulled herself back to standing and staggered back to the bathroom. Picking up the pill bottle beside the sink, she took one. The pills for sleeping she looked at for a few moments before taking one out and breaking it in half. If that didn't do it, she would take the other half later. She crawled into bed and let the tears take her again.

Thus began her week on restriction.

**I don't want to go day by day, just give a taste of what the week will bring for Kate. She does have some evening plans to get away from the apartment, and I'll get to those as they happen. Thank you to those who are following. I'm really touched. And thank you to those who have taken a moment to express their thoughts on the story. It really encourages me. Thank you, again. BTW - did any one get the corgi and tabby reference? If you haven't read the Mrs. Murphy mysteries by Rita Mae Brown, I highly recommend them.**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11- The Promise

Kate woke at her normal 6am Thursday morning; actually, it was a bit before her clock went off. She had been doing that for a couple of weeks now - unable to get to sleep and unable to stay asleep. The pill had helped a bit last night - at least she had gotten to sleep fairly quickly after it had had time to take effect. She stretched and rolled up to sitting on the side of the bed. Her appointment with Dr. Burke was for 9 o'clock, so she had time to wash clothes before she went. Yeah. With a resolve she didn't actually feel, she pulled herself out of bed. It was going to be a long day.

Martha stood backstage with her granddaughter. This was her first recital since entering college, and the girl was a bundle of nerves. She had been playing the violin for several years now, so the recitals were nothing new. However, this was the first one she had ever played without her father in the audience. Martha realized this would be the first time she wasn't sitting beside her son ready to tackle him if he started to cheer as though it were a football game and not a formal occasion. He lost all sense of decorum where Alexis was concerned. Now he was gone on his damn "road trip". Neither she nor Alexis had heard from him since he left, even though he had promised to give them a call when he got "where he was going".

"Darling, you will do just fine. You've got this! It's almost time to start, so I'm going to go find a seat."

Alexis nodded her head nervously. She looked past her grandmother's shoulder as she started toward the wing steps. Suddenly she hissed, "What's _she_ doing here?"

"Who, darling?" Martha stopped and looked back, wondering what had gotten into the girl.

"Detective Beckett!" Alexis practically spit the name.

Martha backed up a few steps into the shadows and looked toward the audience. It took her a few seconds to finally spot the detective. She had apparently just arrived as she was just making her way down the aisle. Martha had to admit she had seen the detective look better. The dress was a familiar one, a rather simple LBD with straps, almost a sundress style, that normally fit her just so. Not tonight. Even though Martha wouldn't have thought it possible, it seemed as though the detective had lost a few pounds since the dress was much looser than the last time she had seen her wear it one evening when her son had taken Kate out for dinner. She remembered how nice the detective had looked. Martha, being an actress, also knew make-up. Katherine Beckett had bags under her eyes no amount of concealer could hide, and the rouge on her cheeks did nothing to hide the sunken look. All in all, she looked much less put together than Martha had ever seen her show up at a public event. Apparently her son wasn't the only one suffering through this - whatever it was. Now to cool her granddaughter's jets before she got herself too worked up to actually play her piece.

"Hmm, yes. I see her. Well, I do recall her making you a promise to attend if there was any way possible. Apparently she's keeping her promise," Martha stated mater-of-factly. "She probably should have stayed home and rested judging by her looks."

"What? She looks fine. She's dressed just like she was to go out to eat with Dad," Alexis retorted. How dare she look nice when her dad was who knows where! Especially considering how he had looked the last time she saw him.

Martha proceeded to explain what she had noticed, not that Alexis was willing to concede the point. Not yet at any rate. Martha left it alone and walked back out and down to her seat. She didn't say anything to Katherine, or even acknowledge she had seen her. She figured if the detective wanted to talk, she knew where to find her. Otherwise, she would leave the woman her privacy. She did sit across the auditorium and at an angle to be able to see her out of the corner of her eye. She was very curious about exactly why this attention to a promise made long before the fallout from the job offer.

Alexis spent the time before her performance going over her piece, fingering the notes as she did. The familiar action calmed her so that when it was her time she had her emotions under control. She walked out and took her place, took a deep breath and, putting bow to strings, let the music take her away. The song, **"Melodie" **from Orpheus & Erudice**, **was a melancholy piece to begin with, but she poured all her heartbreak and sorrow into it. By the time she finished there were quite a few teary eyes in the house, not surprisingly her grandmother was one. She was shocked to see Detective Beckett smiling while wiping tears from her eyes as she applauded. What was even more surprising was the look of pride on her face. Detective Beckett was proud of her?

Martha clapped for Alexis' lovely performance. The girl might not act, but she could certainly put feeling into her music! She happened to glance over to see a certain detective was mo less affected. She also caught the look of pride directed toward the girl. She wasn't sure what to think, except she very much wanted to pop the woman and her son on the back of the head - hard - and then lock them in a room until they finally **talked **out their differences. She had been around the both of them enough to know neither was very good at actually talking, and non-verbal communication could only get you so far. Not to mention, in her book anyone who loved her granddaughter so much that they would still keep a promise, even after all that had been said, couldn't be all bad.

Alexis couldn't help but look out at the audience after she got backstage, her curiosity getting the better of her. She saw Kate check her watch then gather up her purse and light wrap before slipping out of the row and heading back up the aisle toward the exit. So. Obviously Beckett hadn't been there for a night of music alone. She had made the effort so come just to hear her play, like she had said she would. Alexis tried to ignore the niggling voice that mentioned that even her own mother never made that much effort.

Saturday night came and it was Martha's turn to be a bundle of nerves. Her first and second year students were putting on a performance, staged and directed on their own. Sort of a final exam. It had been _very_ difficult to step back and let them go, only being a resource if they asked a question. Balancing between giving too much help and not enough was nerve wracking!

Tonight was the performance, utilizing a small venue since they didn't have a huge audience coming - mostly friends and family of the students. The seating was small tables and half circle booths. The audience was able to order from a limited menu - burgers, pizza, sandwiches - sort of a low budget dinner theatre. She and Anthony, the owner, went way back, and had been good friends almost since she arrived in New York. He had been happy to offer her the services of his establishment which usually saw musicians, comedians, and such. A play was a departure for him, and hopefully would work out well for both. If so, he and Martha planned to make this a regular occurrence for her students, though next time it would be her advanced students.

Martha was bustling out from the back stage area to take a seat in the rear - the better to judge projection, staging, and the like - when she bumped into someone.

"Oh, pardon me, I.." She stopped mid sentence. "Hello, detective."

Kate flinched at the formality. "Hello, Martha. Nice to see you. I was just heading over here…"she said, pointing to a small two-top to one side. Could the conversation get any more inane?

"Certainly. I hope you enjoy the show," Martha said as she retreated to her designated table. "Well, that was some winning dialogue!" she thought. She was glad her students hadn't heard it! Pitiful! But she had been caught flat-footed at coming face-to-face with Katherine. "This is twice in less than a week," she mused. Obviously the woman had something on her mind. She would have to think on what to do…later. Alexis had slipped into the chair next to her as the lights dimmed for the opening act. Showtime.

**I wanted to show a bit of what was going on with Alexis and Martha during this week. I know we haven't heard anything about Alexis and her violin lately, but it just seemed like something to continue that wasn't academic. I also wanted to show that bridge wasn't completely burned, at least not from Kate's side. I never wanted to be a writer that asked for reviews, but they seriously do help. I am humbled by the 130+ of you who are following the story, and those of you who have "favorite - ed" it. (How the heck do you spell that anyway?) **


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 - Different types of families.

"Javi, this lasagna is _wonderful!_" Lanie exclaimed. She and Javier had not had a chance to just take a breather in over a week - it had been late nights in the morgue and fast take-out. When he offered to cook supper for her, she had jumped at the chance for something _not_ in a paper wrapper or Styrofoam container, even if it was the boxed tacos he normally fixed at home. Which were _nothing _ like his mother's! Tonight he had outdone himself: homemade lasagna, fresh garlic bread, mixed greens salad, and she thought she saw strawberries in the fridge. "I had no idea you could cook like this!"

He ducked his head and blushed a bit at her praise. "Thanks, Baby. But I owe it all to You Tube."

"Say what?" she asked, her fork part way to her mouth.

He did laugh then. "You know that new intern down in records? Mandy? I took some stuff down yesterday and she was talking to Payton about learning more dishes and she mentioned she had found a good recipe for lasagna on You Tube. Said it was easy and the video walked you through the steps. Apparently it was posted by a teacher at a vo-tech school for a family living class. So, I came home, did a little digging and found it. Glad you like it."

Lanie just shook her head. Javi never ceased to amaze her. They passed the rest of the meal is comfortable conversation. When they finished, he insisted she go sit on the couch and pick out a movie while he got dessert ready.

Javier quickly took the berries he had bought, blueberries and raspberries, in addition to the strawberries Lanie had seen earlier, and spooned them into bowls. He added slices of angel food cake and whipped cream. Next, he poured up two cups of coffee, put it all on a tray and headed to the living room. He was pulling out all the stops tonight! He knew Lanie had had a hard week, and was worried about Beckett like the rest of them.

"Javi!" Lanie gasped, "You are seriously spoiling me!" she exclaimed when he set down the tray. "Not that I'm complaining, "she added with a grin.

"Hey, you deserve it, chica," he said, placing a kiss on her lips.

As they dug in to their dessert, Javier wondered how to broach the subject of Beckett and Castle. Finally, just decided to dive in. "Have you talked to Beckett lately?" he asked, trying for nonchalant. Didn't work.

"What's happened now?" Lanie inquired, "Little Castle been back to take another shot?"

"No nothing like that, thank goodness. I _never_ would have dreamed she had it in her. Honestly, Lanie, you should have seen her! And Beckett never said a word - not that she could have gotten one in edge-wise!" He poked at his cake and shook his head, sitting it aside for the moment and picking up his mug. "Not that I blame her exactly; it's her dad, after all. And it's pretty much just been the two of them all her life. No, something else is going on. More than just that rookie paperwork we told you about. Ryan's worried, too, and if he can notice considering the 'baby fog' he's been in, you know it's bad. Have you seen how much weight she's lost?"

"Um hum. I know. I've tried to call her a couple of times Wednesday night, but the call went to voicemail," Lanie told him. Taking a sip of her coffee, her brow furrowed in thought. "Maybe tomorrow I'll just show up on her doorstep - play the 'concerned best friend' card…or the 'totally pissed off friend card' as the case may be. She should be home since it's Saturday and she's off rotation until at least Wednesday."

"Sounds like a plan," Javier leaned forward and placed his mug on the coffee table before taking hers from her hand and setting it beside his."

"Hey. I wasn't finished with that!" she groused, pretending to be annoyed.

"Oh, I had something else in mind…" he smiled, leaning in to kiss her.

Lanie sat at her breakfast table and nibbled on an English Muffin. Her thoughts were on how to approach Kate and their concerns for her. Who knew the response she might get. Kate could be a silent as a clam when the mood hit her. It was obvious she wasn't sleeping well judging by her demeanor, those sighs, dark circles, and a monochrome wardrobe with no bright colors.

And now Writer-Boy was gone. Whatever had happened between the two of them was obviously at the root of all the trouble. Now the question was how to get her to open up. Maybe today she just needed to sow a few seeds, let her know they were worried and were there for her if she needed to talk. Sort of, pave the way for a deeper conversation later. Yeah, that sounded like a plan. She drained her cup and took it and her plate to the sink to wash.

Esposito finished his morning run and walked the last block back to his building to cool down. Today Lanie was going to talk - well, try anyway - to Beckett. Maybe they would get some answers. He needed to text Ryan and let him know, too. He didn't tell Lanie just how concerned he and Ryan were about their boss, and their 'sister'. Sometimes she was the big sister, so aggravated with her little brothers. Sometimes he and Ryan were the protective big brothers, looking out for her. Either way, the crew was a family. And family took care of each other.

He checked his watch as he entered the lobby of his apartment building. "Huh. 8 o'clock. Probably too early to call Ryan on a Saturday. They may not be awake, or if they are, I may not want to disturb them." He chuckled. Ryan and Jenny were still newlyweds in the affection department. Probably always would be. More seriously, though, Jenny had been having problems with morning sickness and fatigue. No way would he want to disturb her if she was resting. Ryan on the other hand….

Back in his apartment, Esposito plopped down on his couch with a cold glass of water. After draining half he picked up his phone and sent a text to Ryan telling him about Lanie's plan for the day. He leaned his head against the back and thought about the past few days. Wow. Had it only been less than a week since Hurricane Alexis blew through the precinct? He and Ryan had suspected something was up with Beckett and Castle since they all found out about the job offer- and Beckett flying down to interview without telling any of them, especially Castle.

He took another long pull on the water; it had been hot and humid even as early as he had gone out. Time to push back another hour. Or two. He wiped the sweat off his face before dropping his head back down. He remembered the glazed look on Kate's face when he and Ryan took her home Monday morning. Oh, their girl had some deep thinking to do, that was for sure. Just as soon as she reconnected with the world. He sat up straight. Reconnected! Esposito wanted to kick himself for missing all the signs. The withdrawal from Castle, the vacillating on the job, the weight loss, lack of sleep, all of it. He had allowed himself to become complacent. After all, New York looked nothing like the Middle East. Still, trauma was trauma, no matter where it happened. He had to get word to Lanie before she talked to Beckett. This certainly changed how they needed to approach her.

Esposito scooped up his phone and sent a short burst to Lanie: "PTSD!"

**I know this chapter is short, but Beckett has a wonderful support system she tends to ignore. I think her relationship with "the boys" is pretty close, and I think she and Lanie talk about more than just 'have sex with Rick'. We saw a hint when Rick was arrested and Kate opened up about the emails. Yes, Rick will contact his family soon. **


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 - That's what friends are for.**

Lanie braced herself before knocking on Kate's apartment door. She had stopped at a deli they both liked and picked up a quart of chicken salad and some fresh rolls for lunch. And a half dozen of their special "Everything But" cookies (two kinds of nuts, chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, raisins, you get the idea). Was she hoping to bribe her way into staying until lunch? Oh, yeah. This conversation had the potential for exploding in her face, but she had to try. Things couldn't keep going like they had been.

With Espo's text in mind she knocked firmly than stepped back to wait, making sure she was lined up with the peephole. One time of Kate answering the door, Glock in hand, was enough thank you very much.

When Kate opened the door, she really didn't look too surprised to see her standing there. She was still wearing the clothes she had obviously slept in, but seemed to have been up for a while. Apparently she knew her friend pretty well and figured an interrogation was coming.

"Hey, Lanie. Come on in. You want some coffee? I just finished eating, but I have some bagels if you want one," Kate said as she walked toward the kitchen.

"I ate before I came, but you know I'm not going to turn down coffee!" Lanie laughed as she followed Kate into her kitchen.

"I should warn you, it's decaf," Kate said somewhat sheepishly as she poured a mug and handed it to her friend.

"Since when?!" It came out louder and sharper than Lanie intended. So much for keeping things calm….

"Well, I guess I might as well tell you…" Kate hesitated as she sat on a stool at her counter.

"Tell me what? Come on, Kate. You're scaring me." Lanie walked over and almost put her hand on Kate's forearm, but decided maybe she needed a little distance to pull her thoughts together.

"I'm seeing Dr. Burke again," Kate said quickly - like ripping off a bandage.

Lanie's mind quickly connected the dots. Stress, bomb, Vaughn, Castle AWOL, Espo's text. "Ah. I understand." She patted her friend's arm reassuringly.

"That's it? No questions?" Kate was amazed. Normally Lanie was full of questions about her current activities.

"It's pretty plain once you put the pieces together. After all that's happened, I mean. Don't know why I didn't think of it myself." She leaned back against the sink and brought the cup to her lips, taking a sip. It really was pretty good, not like the stuff her mother used to drink when she was a kid. "Not bad…for decaf," she told her.

"Yeah, Castle always said…" she stopped and looked down at her hands. Lanie saw the drop hit her friends tightly clasped hands. Wordlessly she stepped over and pulled Kate into a hug. Kate let the tears flow; she felt so broken.

Lanie just let her cry, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words in her ear. When she eased off, Lanie led her over to the couch and sat her down. Lanie then hurried back to the bathroom for a box is tissues; she had a feeling they were going to need them! As she reached to grab the box she noticed two prescription bottles on the counter. "Lanie, you're one nosy woman!" she said to her self as she picked them up. After all, she _was_ a doctor... Just as she suspected, one was for anxiety and a common medication for PTSD. The other was a sleep aid, but still had most of the pills in it. She replaced the bottles and headed back to the living room. Sitting back on the couch, she handed Kate a couple of tissues and said softly, "Kate? Please tell me what's wrong. Talk to me!"

"I…it's…" Kate couldn't get out the words.

"Ok. Let's just start at the beginning and work forward. One step at a time."

"Ok," Kate whispered, nodding.

"Start with Eric Vaughn. Tension between you and Castle was unbelievable during that case. Can you tell me what was going on?" Lanie asked.

"Rick was jealous, and I guess he had a right to be. For a brief moment, I wanted to kiss Vaughn. Even though I knew I was just another notch on his bedpost, a conquest he could brag about. Nothing more. He asked me if Rick and I were serious, and…" she stopped, unable to actually say the words.

Lanie prompted her, "And?"

"And I couldn't answer him," Kate responded, but couldn't look Lanie in the eye.

Lanie's mouth dropped open as she sat back on the couch, and it was several seconds before she could formulate an answer. "What? You think Richard Castle isn't serious about you? And just how much has he done for you? Hmm? How many times has he risked his life for you? Wasn't he the one who dropped $100,000 like it was nothing just for a chance to find your mother's killer? As much as you've pushed him away, he always comes back. If he wasn't serious he could have washed his hands of you and walked away at any time, because goodness knows you've put that man through hell!" Lanie's dark eyes were snapping.

"Lanie!" It came out more as a whine than a scold.

"Don't 'Lanie' me! It's the truth and you know it. You just think back over the four years before you got together. You know I'm right." She leaned back and crossed her arms, wondering if she was doing the right thing. She had planned on keeping the conversation light, but somehow the - ah hum - direct approach seemed a better option.

Kate sat silently for a minute, thinking, before nodding. "You're right. I don't have to like it, but you're right." Kate crossed her arms and stared across the room, looking into the middle distance, at what Lanie couldn't say.

"Ok. Good. Now that we've established Castle loves you, what happened after that case? You know, after you basically told him your relationship wasn't important enough for you to discuss moving to another city?"

"Geeze, Lanie! You're not pulling any punches today, are you? I think Dr. Burke would be more subtle!" She tried to joke, but Lanie's words cut her. But it was a good pain, the kind that made you look deep inside and see where you've screwed up. Coming from Lanie, well, that helped take the edge off since she knew it was for her own good, not to hurt her.

"Nope. I figure everyone's pussyfooted around you enough. Now, I imagine he was pretty pissed with you, so what did he say? What happened?"

"Yeah, you could say he was pissed, to put it mildly. Oh, Lanie, I don't deserve him. He's …" Kate couldn't finish for the sobs, she just put her face in her hands.

"He's the one - your 'one and done', I think you called him." Lanie reached out and laid her hand on her friend's shoulder, rubbing gently.

"He proposed," Kate told her, looking down at the tissue she was twisting in her hand. She wondered how many tears she had cried over the past week.

Kate snuck a glance at Lanie when she didn't hear anything. She giggled just a bit to see Lanie's mouth opening and closing with no sound coming out. "P..pr…proposed?" Kate nodded. Lanie squeezed her eyes shut, stomped her feet and squealed. When she got hold of herself she asked the obvious question: "When's the wedding?"

"When hell freezes?" Kate tossed out with a load of snark.

"Girl…Tell me you didn't turn him down!"

"Umm, maybe? I don't know!" Kate sprang up and started pacing agitatedly across the room. "It got so mixed up! I couldn't think! I couldn't …." She ran her hands through her hair, trying to describe what those days were like. "It was like being in a fog bank, not being able to see where you are or where to go. I was in the harbor once and the fog rolled in. These past few weeks have felt just like that."

"You say 'was'. Does that mean you can see your way now? Kate, you said you're back with Dr. Burke." Lanie hesitated. "Does that mean you're in treatment again? I mean, damn, standing on a freaking bomb for eight hours? That was enough to mess with anyone!"

"Yeah, I'm back in treatment. I called him myself after Alexis and I had our 'little chat'." She put that in quotes with her fingers. "I finally realized just how badly I had fucked up my life. Mine and Rick's. And before you ask, yes, I'm back on my meds. And you know how much I hate depending on them." She plopped back down on the couch.

"Kate, it's no different than someone with heart problems or diabetes taking meds," Lanie told her patiently. "Your body needs something it can't produce so it has to get it pharmacologically. It's nothing to be ashamed of unless you make it so. I'm not saying flaunt it, just do what you body needs." She knew Kate hated to depend on the pills as much as she hated to depend on a person. Hopefully now that she had more to lose, she would keep on her regimen until the doctor changed it, not because she wanted to stop.

"Well, if I can't find Rick and convince him to give us another shot - is this a third or fourth chance? - I don't much see the point. He broke me out of my shell then left. How do I deal with that? How do I protect myself now?"

Lanie bumped Kate's shoulder with hers. "Come on. Let's see if we can come up with a plan."

Actually, Kate had a thought that had been crawling around in the back of her mind, sneaking up to her conscious thought a touch at a time over the past week. She kept seeing the zip bag of paper pieces. All the evidence of a plan to kidnap mobsters and pocket the money. A plan that saw an undercover FBI agent killed and an innocent man put in prison, a crusading attorney and three other people killed to cover up the scheme, all the way up to her shooting and confrontation with a U.S. Senator. She allowed herself to think, to pull the idea into the light of day. "What if I take all the evidence we've been able to gather and let the AG's office pursue it?"

"Okkaayy. Isn't that your only protection against getting knocked off yourself?"

Kate shrugged her shoulders. "Eventually, you know he's going to try again once he thinks enough time has passed since Montgomery and my shooting. If he thinks people have forgotten, or that it was so long ago it won't matter. With so many people dead he may think he can spin it to suit himself. But if the AG has it, and something happens to me, the finger will definitely point to him."

"What's to keep him from killing you out of spite?" Lanie asked.

"Hopefully his pride," Kate responded. "He won't want for his hands to get dirty, and since everyone who's taken up his cause had ended up dead…I don't think he'll have a line of potential assassins waiting a turn. It will be too high profile."

"You're taking a huge risk, you know that right?" Lanie told her, speaking softly.

"Do I have a choice?" Kate snorted.

"So, just to be clear, you're taking the job?" She wondered what she would do without Kate here.

"No. But I am using my connections. I'll go to see Martha. Castle put the shredded paper in one of his safe deposit boxes for safe keeping. He started to put it in his safe at the loft but we both nixed that idea pretty quickly. It would be so easy for someone to break in, and some_one_ to get hurt in the process. No, a bank was a much better choice. He went through his attorney, I think.

Anyway, I'll ask Martha to help. I don't think I want to talk to Alexis for a while."

"When are you going to call her?" Lanie asked. "Do you want me her for moral support?"

"I'm not."

"Then…" Now Lanie was confused.

"I'll see her tonight," Kate explained. "Some of the new students at her school are performing at a club - sort of a dinner theater as an end of year project. I had been planning to go anyway, so this will kill two birds with one stone, so to speak."

**So, this ties with chapter 11 - Kate going to the show. I know this story is jumping around a bit, and I apologize. I have a chart for myself! **** Next up we will check back in with Rick - by the end of the next chapter everyone will be on the same weekend. Whew! Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed. It has been a wonderful experience. (Please continue to give me your thoughts.)**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 1? - Rick

Rick closed the driver's door on the Blazer and cranked the engine. "Time to hit the road," he said to himself. A few turns and a short time later he found himself back at Interstate 81. Following the advice of the quarter from the night before, he headed south. He rolled down the windows, but left the radio off. He let the white noise of the wind sooth his thoughts. He thought about Alexis and how much he loved her. She was growing into a fine young woman. Oh, yes. He was quite aware of that; it was more of a game to pretend she was still a little girl. If he hadn't been aware of her maturity, he wouldn't have left her in charge of the loft while he was away. Of course, their playtime had continued mainly because he saw her growing up way too soon - a consequence of two failed marriages and his lifestyle prior to joining up with the detectives, he supposed. Once he realized the way things were going with her, he continued their acting, sword fights, lazar tag, etc. to be sure she knew how to balance her life. No, he wasn't as clueless as most people thought. His mother understood, and he was almost certain Ka - Beckett - had figured him out the first time she caught Alexis and him playing, despite all the teasing.

Beckett. He sighed. What was he going to do about her? The new scenery was helping, but she popped into his thoughts when he least expected it. And his dreams….Not exactly G-rated at all. He wondered if this was what she had felt like that summer he had left her standing in the precinct as he left with Gina. If so, it was a thousand wonders she didn't beat him to a pulp the next time she saw him!

He shifted his right hand on the wheel and propped his left arm on the window opening. The sun was bright this morning and he was thankful for his shades - a gift from Beckett (on trip to the beach his favorite pair fell over the side of their rented sailboat). Damn it! "Think of something else, Ricky-boy," he told himself. He took a deep breath. "Ok. I need to figure out how far I want to go; the quarter wasn't very specific on that. Maybe something will pop…." With that thought he kept driving, deciding maybe the radio was a good idea after all. He switched it on, and after flipping through several stations playing all the wrong music (i.e.: love songs), he finally stopped on a news station. That lasted a quarter hour until it got even more depressing than the music. "Really? Like I'm not depressed enough? Geesh! One more time." He hit the scan button and let it rip - sort of like channel surfing the way he did at home when nothing caught his interest. He just let it go as the miles sped past, only occasionally stopping for a piece of a song before hitting 'scan' again.

He had been on the road over three and a half hours when he saw a sign for Hungry Mother State Park. His interest instantly aroused as the writer in him started running scenarios for such an odd name. This was it, he decided. This was the place to which the quarter was leading him. Wow! At his exit, he noticed a small discount store and pulled in. If he was going to stay, he would try to find a cabin - he didn't want to be in a lodge around other people, and a tent was okay for a weekend with Alexis but not for any extended time. So, he needed a few things.

An hour later, he exited the store laden with bags. He was sure he must have helped them make their rent for the month. He had bed linens, towels for the bath and kitchen, a picnic basket with dishes and cutlery (he couldn't resist since it would be perfect to take with B…uh…Alexis to the park), dish soap, a skillet and a small boiler, more soft drinks, a 4-cup coffee pot and a couple of mugs,….let's be honest - almost more than he could carry on one buggy!

Rick loaded the items in the rear of the Blazer and shut the gate before returning the buggy to the store. He slapped his hands together and hopped into the driver's seat and headed out.

When Rick got to the Park he found the office with no trouble. After enquiring about lodging he learned there were several cabins available, varying from a single room up to cabins to sleep 6 or more. Most of the cabins were already taken since so many school districts were finishing, but there was one that need some work due to some recent storm activity. Nothing major had happened to the cabin, but a tree had fallen across the small yard, essentially blocking it off. The screen on the back porch had a few small tears from the branches swiping down it. Until the tree was removed, no one wanted to stay there. Rick managed to talk the ranger into letting him stay since he was by himself. Truth be told, he laid it on thick, saying he needed some down time from a difficult job, et cetera. Finally, the ranger gave in and let him rent it. After all, if Rick didn't care about the tree, who was he to argue? That fee was money they wouldn't have had, and state parks always needed money.

After unloading only the essentials for now, Rick sat on the screened porch of his cabin (after patching the holes in the screen with duct tape, mosquitoes being what they were) and rocked in one of the two rocking chairs on the porch while looking over a park map the ranger had given him. He noticed several hiking trails as well as bike paths. He knew he had let himself slip a bit, both before and after The Incident, as he had taken to thinking about Eric Vaughn. He knew if he had been in better shape he would have nailed that move on the snowboard and avoided the broken kneecap. Not that he would ever admit it! Well, in his most serious he wondered if his less than ripped body was one of the reasons Beckett had found Vaughn attractive….Exercise was supposed to help with depression, too. And goodness knows he hadn't been exactly dealing - more like avoiding issues. Maybe he should look into getting a bike as well? He'd have to think about it.

In the mean time, it was now 5 o'clock and he was hungry. On the way in he had noticed a small restaurant that advertised 'breakfast any time'. "Okay," he thought looking at his middle, maybe not pancakes." He would try to be a responsible adult and eat a healthy supper, much as it pained him. He grabbed up one of the notebooks he had brought with him and a pen as he headed for the door - just in case. He didn't really think he would work on Nikki Heat any time soon, unless it was to end the series, but writing was simply a part of his life. Like breathing. If nothing else, he had research!

He pulled into a parking space beside the restaurant and cut the engine. It looked fairly clean, at least from the outside. And a number of cars were in the lot, even though it was somewhat early in the supper hour. Hopefully that spoke for the quality of the food and not simply a lack of options!

He entered and was offered either a seat at the counter or an odd half booth. It looked as though the designers had run out of room and had inserted a table and one booth seat in the corner. He chose the corner since he did have his notebook with him…and he really wasn't in the mood to talk, which he knew from The Old Haunt would happen if he sat at the counter. And if he didn't talk, he would be perceived as closed off and sullen – even if that's exactly what he was, he still didn't want people to know it. Strange how the human mind worked.

The waitress handed him a menu and asked if he wanted a glass of sweet tea, but the way she pronounced it, it came out, "sweetea", all run together as a single word. Interesting. He told her he would and turned to look over the menu. By the time she returned with his glass he had decided on a salad with grilled chicken, even though the pictures of the burgers and patty-melts had his mouth watering.

While he waited for his order, he pulled out his notebook and pen. What in the world had possessed him to leave his laptop behind, he would never know. Just wasn't thinking, he guessed. Or trying _not_ to think. That was more like it. Oh, well. He would just go old school. After all, it was the way he wrote his first novel since the only computers he had access to were the ones in the computer lab at college.

There was a writing activity one of his professors taught them. Actually, it was for building descriptive writing skills, but he had also found it good for writer's block as well. First you had to pick a location or event, then write about it using the most descriptive language you could. After you had that version the way you wanted, you changed the mood and started over. Some of his classmates found the assignments tedious, but he theroughly enjoyed it. He took a sip of his tea (and looked at his glass in amazement, immediately understanding the description 'Southern Syrup' he had once heard), before beginning a description of his cabin and environs. He was just finishing the first phase when a plate was set on the table, startling him slightly.

"Goodness! I'm sorry, hon. I should have said something," said his waitress.

"That's perfectly all right. My daughter does it to me all the time!" Rick told her. He glanced at her name tag and saw her name was Eva.

She smiled back and said, "I know what you mean. My son had a way of sneaking up on me when I'm working in my flowers. Swears he isn't trying to scare me, but all be danged if I believe him!" They both chuckled.

"How old is your son?" Rick asked, being polite…and curious. She looked to be a few years his senior.

"He's 15. We have three older daughters: 26, 28, and 30. The 26 year old will be turning 27 next month. Needless to say, he was a bit of a surprise!" She smiled widely - obviously proud of her family.

"I only have the one. She's 19 going on 30 herself," Rick said with a smile, thinking about his very mature daughter.

"Well, it was nice talking to you; I'll let you get to your supper. I'll check back in a few to see how you're doing. Is there anything else you need before I go?"

Rick assured her no, and began to cut up his salad and chicken and stir in the dressing. He fell to eating with his left hand and writing with his right - just like in college. And when he would feed Alexis with one hand while working on a novel at the same time. It was just like riding a bike, the habits of so long ago coming to the fore now. Maybe it was the conversation about their kids he and his waitress had had. Maybe it was his daughter was just always that close in his thoughts. Either way, by the time Eva came back with a refill for his drink, he was almost finished with a rewrite of the cabin as a suspenseful setting, the sunlight replaced with a cloudy night, the sounds of children in the distance were now crickets. The other cabins became unbroken woodlands, and so forth. He was well satisfied with it, and thought it might make a good setting for a novel when he finally settled on what he wanted to do.

Eva came back and asked him if he wanted dessert, but Rick turned down the chocolate cake and pecan pie. He had been good; no point in eating sweets and destroying his progress. Leaving a tip under the edge of his plate, he took his bill to the cash register to pay. He didn't know it then, but he had started a routine he would follow most days for the next few weeks.

Rick drained the last of his coffee as he sat in the rocker on the screened in porch and looked out at what he could see of his surroundings through the boughs of the fallen tree. The needles of the fallen pine were starting to drop off, so it was a bit easier to see out. He wanted to take a new trail today; he had already walked the easy trail a couple of times with no ill effects to his knee.

Today was Saturday, and he knew more people were going to be in the park. Maybe, since he was starting so soon after sunrise, he could get a jump on the crowds and have most of the trail to himself.

He sat the cup on the low table beside him and pulled his hiking boots on, being sure to tie the laces the way the therapist had instructed him to provide the most support to his ankles. He walked back through the cabin and put his cup in the sink before picking up his walking stick. Stuffing a bottle of water, notebook and pen, and a camera in his day pack and a cap on his head, he was ready to hit the trail.

He was right, he thought, only the serious hikers were out this early. All he could hear was the crunch of his boots on the fine gravel of the path and birds in the trees. He was still getting used to not hearing traffic sounds in the distance like he would have in Central Park. Not to mention the thrill of turning a corner of the trails and seeing deer standing in the path. He'd never been so close to animals without a fence between. Once he had looked out the kitchen window to see a group of 15 wild turkeys walk casually through the yard of the cabin. Amazing. The underbrush had been cut back several feet on each side, leaving only the tall trees. The path was dappled with sunlight, making it clear the day would end up being a hot one.

When Rick reached the turnaround point, he took a few minutes to sit on the boulders provided for resting and take a good look around. He swallowed a bit of his water, pleased his knee was still feeling okay - there was a big difference between therapy and hiking outside! The view was wonderful - mountains to the west and green, sloping valley to the east. He pulled out his camera and took a few pictures, making notes as to date, time and location in his notebook. Alexis always was particular about that.

"Alexis," he sighed and shook his head. Ready or not, he did need to call her and let her know he was fine before she contacted the FBI to start a manhunt for him. Truthfully, he was almost surprised she hadn't done it already! It probably wasn't going to be too pleasant a conversation, so he figured he would wait until later; why ruin a beautiful day? He gathered his things and headed back to the cabin.

Rick was just passing the back of his truck on the way to the cabin door when something caught his eye and he stopped. It was a dog at the edge of the trees, maybe 30 yards away. At first he thought it had gotten loose from one of the other cabins, but then he looked a bit closer. It looked scruffy and unkempt. Almost like a stray. He moved slowly to pull the camera out of his daypack, wanting to take a picture to show the rangers. The dog, however, only had eyes for the rabbit a few yards in front of it. As Rick watched and took video the dog pounced faster than he had imagined a dog capable, grabbing the rabbit and running off into the woods with it.

"Wow!" he muttered. "I've never seen anything like that before! I don't think that was a dog!" Further research using pamphlets he had picked up when he registered led him to the conclusion he had seen a coyote. It was confirmed by the two rangers in the office when he showed them the clip. They informed him it was an amazing piece of photography, and both wanted copies. He was also cautioned not to approach - as if! - and that coyotes would defend themselves if they felt threatened.

Rick rode that high for the rest of the day, even borrowing a computer from a "neighbor" to post the video on his YouTube account. In his excitement, he didn't think about using a fake account in Richard Alexander's name. Instead, he logged in as always and uploaded. If it had occurred to him, he most likely would have brushed it off. After all, Beckett was in D.C. training on her new job. It was doubtful she would have any time for frivolity. She certainly didn't have time for _him!_

On his return from the diner, Rick opened the door to the cabin and flicked on the living room light. He wasn't quite comfortable enough to just walk across the room to the small bedroom in the dark. Now, in the loft...he stopped his thoughts. He wasn't in New York, and he had no idea when he would be settled enough to even go back. He walked into the bedroom, clicking on the lamp beside the bed, and emptied his pockets onto the dresser before he stripped down, putting all his clothes into a pile beside the bathroom door. Pulling a pair of boxers and a t-shirt out of his bag he dressed for the night.

After spending a couple of hours writing, he had driven around and scouted out the location of other trail heads he wanted to try. It was now after 9 o'clock; he needed to call Alexis, ready of not. Getting comfortable on the couch and propping his feet up on the coffee table, he pulled out his phone and called the burner he had given Alexis. (Funny how he hadn't noticed the way he started so careful, then slipped up - leaving clues to his whereabouts if anyone cared enough to look.) The phone rang four times before it was answered; however, all he could hear was talking and laughter. "Alexis?" he called. No answer. "Alexis, are you there?" he called louder. Still nothing. He was about to hang up and try again when there was the sound of a door closing and the background noise dropped in volume significantly.

"Dad? Is that you?" Alexis asked anxiously.

"Hey, sweetie! Yeah, it's me. Sorry I haven't call before now, but, well…" Rick just didn't know what to say, how to explain himself, his fingers played nervously with the hem of his plaid boxers.

"It's okay, dad. I think I understand," she told him hesitantly. "Where are you, anyway?" She asked, hoping he was close by. She vividly recalled her mother taking her out of school for lunch one time and them ending up in Paris! Surely her dad hadn't left the country!

He ignored her. "I just wanted to let you know I'm ok, and if you need me, you can call."

"Dad! Where are you? When are you coming back? Do you realize you missed my recital? You've never missed one!" Alexis was getting frantic, trying to keep him talking; it had been so many days since she had seen him, spoken to him.

"Oh, honey! I'm so sorry! I never meant to disappoint you! I just forgot.." That was as far as he got before his daughter shrieked over the line.

"You forgot?" How could he? "My first recital in college and you _'forgot_'? Dad! Even Beckett remembered!"

"What?" Rick's word came out at a whisper. Beckett had remembered his daughter's recital? Had _attended_ his daughter's recital?

"Yeah, surprised me, too. But, yeah, she was _there_, Dad. Sitting in the audience; she left after I performed, so I guess she was just there for me like she promised. She looked like hell, but she was there!" She didn't intend for it to come out the way it did, but she sounded like - Beckett - Kate - was more on her good side right now than her dad. Maybe she was, just a tiny bit, since she hadn't forgotten! He hadn't even called!

"Baby, I'm so, so sorry! I don't know what to say!" Rick's throat closed up. He couldn't get another word out if his life depended on it. He dropped his head against the back of the couch, wondering how he could have possibly forgotten his daughter's recital! He had attended everything, especially since Meredith never bothered. But then, she promised, too, didn't she?

"Yeah, well, at least now I have your number. I can't talk any more; Gram's show is almost over and she'll be wondering where I am."

Rick at least had enough sense to not ask "What show?". "I love you, pumpkin, and I can't tell you how sorry I am."

"Love you. Bye," Alexis muttered before disconnecting.

Rick sat for a long time, staring at the wall. Mainly he was numb. Apparently while he was getting himself together the rest of the world went merrily on it's way. Finally, he pulled himself up, turned off lights and headed to bed. As he lay there in the dark, he thought back over the conversation with Alexis. As he was finally dropping off he suddenly roused up. Just what had Alexis meant when she said Beckett 'looked like hell'?


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 - Kate takes a huge risk**

**The last chapter was very difficult for some reason. I did want to show how hiding out may have been easy for Rick, but not for everyone else. It's about time for Beckett to come back out to play. I know where I want to go; hopefully you will stick with me. Thank you, again, to everyone who has left a review. I really appreciate your support. **

***To the person who asked about Beckett being in a fog, did the explanation of how PTSD can affect someone help you?**

Detective though she was, if Katherine Beckett had been called upon to relate any part of the play she was currently watching, she would have been at a total loss as to how to proceed. Through it all, she had been running lines herself, planning what to say through various scenarios. How would she start the conversation with Martha? How she would ask for what she desperately needed. What would she say to plead her case if Martha was reluctant to help her. And most importantly, how she would do all this out of sight and hearing range of Alexis!

Absentmindedly nibbling on her fries, she hoped her nervous stomach would allow them to stay put. Fries had seemed a better option than a burger or pizza, two of the other choices offered here. More than likely it wouldn't have mattered what she ordered; this entire situation was awkward at best. She played with the condensation on the outside of her glass of cola. She wasn't supposed to have any caffeine, but felt the need of at least a slight jolt of energy, hoping it would help her keep a clear head for the exchange to come.

Her two-top was on the edge of the audience, a little more than half way back. That was fine with her, leaving her a bit insulated so she didn't feel as though everyone around her knew she wasn't exactly paying attention to the production. She was, however, aware that Martha and Alexis were sitting in the back and in the dimness she felt as though a spotlight - or maybe a target - was pointed right at her. It was most uncomfortable.

Martha was watching her students closely and making notes on the clipboard in front of her; it was, after all, a final exam. From time-to-time, however, her attention was drawn to the woman sitting on the edge of the tables to her left, removed from the gathering as though she felt she really didn't belong. Or was unsure of her reception. With justification. Martha was still trying to come to terms with all the twists and turns the relationship between the Detective and her son had taken. This last twist had shaken her confidence in Katherine. As a parent, though, she was quite aware the story you heard from your child was always only one side of the tale, even if said child was an adult (mostly). She had Richard's side, now she found herself wanting Katherine's. Her son wasn't the only one who had to know the whole story - a play told a story, after all. She had to speak to Katherine at some point, if only to see exactly, when all was said and done, what type of story this was going to be.

Hmmm. No wine. Katherine always took wine when she was out at events such as this. It looked very much like a cola in front of her, and she doubted it was a rum and Coke ©. That wasn't her style. With her knowledge of stage makeup it wasn't difficult to see the effort Katherine had put into looking decent. Not well, just decent. She looked no different than Thursday night when Martha had doubted the woman could have covered up the dark circles under her eyes _without_ using stage makeup. The reflected lights from the stage served to highlight her sunken cheeks; it was more than just her high cheekbones. As with the other night, Martha recognized the dress Katherine was wearing, and it fit no better than the other. She had definitely lost a significant amount of weight in the past few weeks - and Katherine didn't have it to lose! Martha mused a bit during the next scene change. She was quite good at putting little pieces together, if she did say so herself. She would have to cogitate on this further. In the meantime, she pulled a sheet of paper from the back of her notepad, scribbled a quick note, then flagged down a hostess. A quick, whispered conversation and the note was making it's way across the room. Now the ball was in Katherine's corner.

Alexis had noticed Beckett when the detective and her grandmother had collided earlier. She had just entered the room and was scanning for her grandmother when she saw the collision. After seeing the detective at her recital, she was somewhat less than shocked to see her tonight at another event she had promised weeks before to attend. As had her father, come to think of it. Alexis was another person in the room whose brain was churning. She was still furious with the Detective, absolutely and totally livid. Still, she didn't know what to make of her attendance. What was her angle? And wasn't she supposed to be in D.C.? No. She wasn't ready to forgive and forget. Not now, and maybe not ever. But…she came. She promised and she came. Even after the way Alexis had spoken to her. Her mother, well, how many times had _she_ promised? Alexis sighed and decided it was just all too much to think about right now. She would pull a Scarlet O'Hara: enjoy the play now and think about the probelm later.

Unfortunately, it was only in a short while that her phone rang. Well, not _her _phone, but the one her dad had left for her. She had taken to carrying it everywhere, hoping to hear from him. Wouldn't you know he would call when she was sitting beside her grandmother? She wasn't sure if he wanted his mother to know where he was - he was being so very cloak-and-dagger about the whole thing - or maybe he just didn't want Beckett to track him. Honestly who knew what the man was thinking! This all whisked through her mind before she leaned over and whispered, "Restroom!" to Martha and slipped out to talk. Martha nodded distractedly, writing furiously on her clipboard as one of the actors answered the phone a half second before it rang.

"Thank goodness for low lights and a distracted actress," she thought grumpily as she returned to her seat. "That conversation could have gone better!" She hadn't meant to sound like she was on Beckett's side, because goodness knows she wasn't. But, damn it! He hadn't come and she had. Even after all that had happened. She was so confused! Alexis leaned back in her seat and stared at the stage, not knowing she and Beckett would have had identical scores on a test over the play!

The performance ended to enthusiastic applause from the audience and was followed by an exuberant curtain call by the cast. Their relief was palpable. Martha made her way to the front, shaking hands with parents and significant others. How in the world she did it, Kate couldn't say, but the woman could even make her professional looking pants suit look flamboyant. Maybe because it was a brilliant blue with a tie-dyed looking silk blouse. Her heels weren't as tall as the ones Kate normally wore, but they were an eye popping pink. Martha paused every so often, giving each person a moment and a comment about their student. One thing for certain, she could work a crowd! Rick came by it honestly, thought Kate.

When she finally reached the stage, Martha spoke a few minutes with her students, promising them their reviews at the Monday classes. She then turned control over to the student director so he could get with the stage crew to get everything cleaned up, put away, loaded into their vans and headed back to building housing the school. Apparently the flats belonged to the owner of the nightclub and were painted, or not, according to the taste of whoever was performing. Everything else, however was their responsibility. Oh, she would make a run-through herself to double check, but clean up was all part of their duties.

Anthony walked up to give Martha a quick hug and congratulate her on the wonderful job her students did. The apparent success of the venture would be discussed over lunch on Tuesday after they had all their notes together. The two friends talked for a few more minutes before he left to attend to the kitchen and she to her granddaughter.

Martha accepted the hug from Alexis and thanked her for coming. She then told her to go ahead home since she was going to be a while longer and there was no point in Alexis hanging around. And she wanted to give Katherine a chance to speak to her without Alexis there to hear. She didn't need a repeat here of what happened at the precinct. Not to mention someone might call the police!

Alexis finally gave in since she was tired, and still upset about the phone call from her dad. She decided not to mention it to her Gram; tomorrow would be soon enough…and it would let her grandmother concentrate on what needed to be done here. With a last hug, she headed for the door, her phone already out to call a cab. Surreptitiously, she cut her eyes left and right looking for a certain detective. When she was no where to be seen, Alexis assumed she had slipped away the same as the night of the concert, which was fine with her. She had no clue what she would even say if she and Beckett were to come face to face. She pushed the thoughts aside as she climbed into the cab.

Kate had made her way to the restroom as the performance ended and Martha stood to greet the attendees. Not only did she really need to go and hoped to beat the rush, but she also wanted to escape without coming face-to-face with Alexis. She ended up caught in a press of other women who had the same idea (but not about Alexis). She pulled out the note the hostess had passed to her and read it again. Martha actually wanted to talk to her. Conversation 1 was taken care of at least.

By the time she slowly made her way back to the seating area, eyes open for red hair, Alexis had already taken her leave. She found Martha sipping a glass of white wine at the table at which she had been sitting. Taking a deep breath, and wishing she could have just a bit of liquid courage, Kate walked up to the table and greeted Martha.

"Hello, Martha," Kate said softly, trying for confident, but very sure her nerves gave her away.

"Hello, Katherine. Sit down, please. Would you like a glass if wine?" Martha sounded polite, but at the same time, Kate cringed inwardly; she had been 'Katherine' to her parents when she was in trouble. Why did she feel the same now? Probably because _was_ in trouble with Martha where Rick was concerned.

Kate sat in the other chair and nervously rested her hands on the tabletop. "Thank you, no thanks. I …uh…I'm not drinking right now," Kate she told her. "Doctor's orders," she added, then wondered why she had said that. Maybe it was just time to get honest with Rick's family as well. They deserved it.

For her part, Martha nodded slightly, pleased to have her suspicions confirmed. "Would you like anything else? Some soda, perhaps?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

"Martha?" "Katherine?" Both women started at the same time, then smiled slightly.

"You go first, dear," Martha told her, wanting to see how much the young woman would share. She did want Katherine's side of the story, after all. And she had to admit to more than a little curiosity.

"I don't know how much Rick told you about my mother's case and everything that was going on at that time…"

"A bit."

Kate tried to swallow, her mouth suddenly dry. This was one of the things she and Burke had discussed at her last session - she needed to make things right with those around her.

"_Kate, I know you are familiar with the 12 step program since your father is a recovering alcoholic. The process I want you to use to reconnect with the people around you is very similar. You need to own your mistakes. All of them. No hedging, total honesty. I know we humans use dishonesty as a form of civility. That's not what I'm talking about. I want you to re-connect with your coworkers and Castle's family. Nothing short of total honesty is going to mend those relationships. Only after you have those reestablished can you hope to approach Rick. And you have to know, even then they may not accept your apology; the admonition is to make the effort. After that, it's up to the individual as to whether to accept. You have no control over that."_

_"And control is one of my issues, I know," Kate responded from her perch on the arm of the chair in front of her psychiatrist. "It just hurts so much to know I've screwed up so badly!_ " _The pain was a very real ache in her bones._

_"Believe me, I understand. But it's a process. And we take it one day, one step at a time."_

Kate nodded and gathered her courage. "There was a file. Captain Montgomery sent it to a man he knew sometime before he was killed." Kate was proud her voice hadn't cracked this time like it had this afternoon when she had practiced what she wanted to say. "Long story short, the file ended up being partially destroyed. Rick took what we were able to salvage and said he was going to put it somewhere safe. I can't see him putting it in the safe in his office; the potential for harm to you and Alexis is just too great."

"I see. And you need the remnant of the file." It wasn't really a question.

"Yes," she took a deep breath, "I do."

Martha sipped from her glass before setting if carefully on the table in front of her. She turned her piercing gaze on the detective, "Why?"

"This is it," thought Kate. She looked Martha in the eye, knowing she had to be totally honest and open with the older woman. "I'm tired of living with this over my head. I'm not taking the job in D.C., but I want to ask for their help with this. They may turn me down - I don't know. I may have to stay and work on this for a while. I just don't know. What I do know is I can not be the person I want to be, can't be the person your son deserves, until I can live without…this Sword of Damocles hanging over my head! I've already seen how Tyson was willing to use Rick to get back at me. I couldn't survive if you or Alexis were hurt because of me!" Kate's voice broke as she ended, her eyes filling with tears.

"Not to be cruel, dear, but do you think you and my son still have a relationship?"

"Good question. I just don't know. But do know I've got to put this beyond my reach so I'll never be tempted to fall back down that rabbit hole again. And…" She topped and looked down at her fingers laced together on the table top.

"And?" Martha prompted her. When Katherine remained silent, Martha cocked her head slightly, trying to catch her eye. "Katherine? Kate?"

She cleared her throat, "I'm seeing my psychiatrist again. I finally hit rock bottom and called him." Neither woman mentioned the role Alexis may have had in her reaching that point. "He's helping me - I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses, because I'm not - but the bomb, well, it triggered my PTSD. I was having side effects I wasn't even recognizing because they were so different from last time." Kate took a deep breath and reminded herself, "Total honesty" was the goal. "I'm taking my medication again as well." Then she muttered, "I sound so pathetic!"

Martha nodded to herself; that explained a lot she had wondered about. Maybe it was just the time in which she grew up, but she had known some boys from high school and college who had had various issues upon their return from Vietnam. At least now the condition and various side effects was recognized and treatment available, unlike back then. She and Richard had spoken at length about Kate and her trauma after her shooting, wondering how it would affect her. Just a few weeks ago she had been greatly disturbed to learn about the bomb Katherine had been forced to stand upon for eight grueling hours. That it would trigger the young woman's PTSD was a given; _how_ was another matter entirely. Martha had to respect the fiercely independent woman - after all, hadn't she raised a child as a young, unwed mother at a time when it was highly frowned upon? And ignored suggestions she 'get rid of the problem'? Katherine's willingness to be open about her situation spoke volumes about her trust in Martha and how far she had come in opening herself to others.

Her attention was drawn back to Katherine. "I was stupid, Martha! I thought I could handle it, that I was okay, so I just stopped with the meds. Not that I had been entirely regular anyway. I hadn't been to see Dr. Burke in a while, either. So…I might have been okay, for a while at least, if I hadn't stepped on that damn bomb!" The woman looked away toward the stage and watched the student's scurry around packing items into plastic storage boxes. "You know he stayed?" It was more of a statement than a question. She glanced back at Martha.

"What?" Martha exclaimed as she sat up straight in her chair.

"Yeah. Said he was my 'Bomb Buddy'! Kate shook her head at the audacity of the man. It had become very obvious Martha didn't know the whole story, and Kate decided _not_ to let her know just how close she had come to losing her son. That was his story to tell. "So you see why I have to make this right - even if Rick doesn't want anything more to do with me. I have to do my part: apologize, to everyone, and put this case as far away as I can. After that, it's up to him. But I do want everyone to know I love that man with all my heart, and I'll do whatever it takes to earn his trust again." Kate stopped talking and sat in her seat, just looking across the room, unseeing, awaiting the verdict.

Martha picked up her glass and took a couple more sips of the wine, thinking over all she had learned tonight, filling in the gaps in what she had known before. It was a hard decision, one she wasn't going to make lightly. She suspected where the file was; Richard had told her he had left an envelope in a certain place in the loft in case anything happened to him. It had instructions she was to give Katherine.

"Can you be at the Loft tomorrow around 1 o'clock?" she asked.

Kate's smile lit the room though her eyes were brimming, "Yes, I'll see you then."

**I'm sorry it's taken so long to post, but we have a serious illness in the family and it's taking a lot of focus right now. I don't feel this chapter is up to snuff, but it's been a while and I didn't want to wait any longer. And it was hard getting inside everyone's heads!**


	16. Chapter 16

**I'm very sorry this update is so late. The illness I spoke about ended with the death of my mother-in-law at age 88. She's at peace, out of pain, and in Heaven with her husband and a daughter that went on before them. We're all slowly recovering, doing better day by day. I thought those of you who have been following deserved an explanation as to why I've been absent. I'm already working on 17; I'm not sure this chapter went as well as I had planned, but…. Without further ado, chapter 16.**

Chapter 16

Kate tried unsuccessfully to quell the butterflies she felt in her stomach. She had never been to Martha's apartment, but she was so very glad the woman had moved from the loft. It reduced her chances of running into Alexis, at least slightly.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered, shifting the bakery box to her left hand so she could knock. It was 1o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, but she knew Martha had been out even later than she, hence the bakery box of pastries. Personally, she had awakened at 7am after only four hours of sleep. The two cups of coffee she had drunk were only scratching the surface of her exhaustion.

Kate heard footsteps coming toward the door and her heart sank. That wasn't Martha. A moment later her fears were confirmed as the door opened to reveal Alexis Castle. The welcoming smile dropped from the girl's face as the said, "Detective. What are you doing here?"

Kate was just starting to tell her that she had an appointment with her grandmother when she heard Martha say, "Alexis. Manners." She remembered Alexis herself saying the very thing to Rick the first time she dropped in to the loft.

Properly chastened, Alexis plastered a smile on her face and said, "Detective. What a pleasant surprise. Please come in." She stepped back and gestured for Kate to enter the apartment.

If Kate had not been afraid of setting off another tirade, she would have laughed. Martha was certainly not the only actress in the family. As it was, she just smiled and said, 'Thank you," politely and walked inside.

The apartment was certainly not the size of the Loft, but it was a bit larger than her own. Playbills were framed and decorating the eggshell colored walls of the living room. The mantle over the gas fireplace sported numerous framed photographs. One wall had floor to ceiling bookcases filled with books and what she assumed were small props from plays. She could see an old black rotary telephone, a dark blue vase, a collection of glass animals, and a folding fan just to name a few. It wasn't Rick's apartment, but it still felt warm and inviting.

"Katherine, your timing is impeccable. The coffee just finished," Martha said, drawing her toward the open kitchen.

"Perfect. I could really use a cup. Oh, I brought these," Kate said, indicating the box she was setting on the breakfast bar. "I wasn't sure what you liked, so I brought an assortment."

Martha huffed a laugh, "Unfortunately, I like too much, if you know what I mean!" drawing a smile from the detective. She lifted the lid and looked into the box, "Oooo, these look absolutely delicious!"

Kate replied, "Well, I can only personally attest the bear claws are fabulous, but the rest looked great, too. If you haven't been, you should go. It's just a small place run by a woman from Eastern Europe. But the variety she can turn out is unbelievable."

"Is this the place Richard..?"

"Yeah," Kate sighed with a shy smile.

"Then I'm sure everything is wonderful. Here," she said handing Kate a mug of coffee and a small plate. "Cream and sugar are here, or I have some flavored creamer in the fridge if you'd rather have that. I may even have some fat-free vanilla," she finished with a wink.

Kate grinned, "Thank you, please."

Alexis still stood by the closed door. When her grandmother said she had an appointment this afternoon she hadn't dreamed it would be Ka - Detective Beckett. She had expected, well, she wasn't sure what she had expected. Obviously there was something going on here to which she wasn't privy. She wasn't exactly sure how she felt about that.

Alexis walked toward the kitchen to tell her grandmother good-by, even though she was dying to know what was going on between the two women. Walking to stand by Martha, she kissed her cheek and bit her a good afternoon. As she was turning away, she was surprised to hear, "Please don't leave on my account."

Kate was just as surprised as Alexis, not knowing where those words had come from. But she meant them sincerely. "You're more than welcome to stay." Here was yet another relationship that needed mending with the thread of honesty.

"That's okay; I don't want to intrude," Alexis responded.

"You wouldn't be intruding. You can stay if you want," Kate told her earnestly. "I don't want you to feel like we're keeping a secret from you."

Martha just stood quietly and waited, knowing in her heard Alexis and Katherine needed to reach common ground before their relationship could have a hope of recovery. And even then, it probably would be years before it reached the level of trust it had originally. An afternoon wouldn't come close to mending it…maybe, start to patch…

Alexis looked Kate in the eye and saw she was sincere not just trying to be polite. She really didn't mind if she stayed, maybe even wanted her to. "Okay," she said, walking over to lay her purse on the couch, then returning to the kitchen to get out another mug and plate before helping herself to coffee and a positively wicked looking chocolate covered donut. Was that fudge?

What conversation there was over the coffee could not be called easy. Finally, Martha excused herself to retrieve the envelope Richard had left her. When she returned, she walked up to the bar and slid it across to Katherine.

Kate held the manila envelope a moment, running her fingertip over the familiar handwriting that read simply 'Mother'. She looked to Martha for permission before pulling out a sheaf of papers.

The top page was a letter to Martha from Rick. Kate's breath caught in her throat as she read:

_Dear Mom,_

_ First of all, let me say I love you with all my heart. I know we bicker and tease, but it's _

_ because I love you so much. I know you did the best you could raising me as a single mom, and I know I disappointed you for many years. I'm sorry. I don't regret you moving in with me and Alexis; you've been a mother figure to her when she needed_

_ one most. And a confidant to me. Thank you. _

_ Not to sound melodramatic, but if you're reading this letter, then I'm dead…that, or _

_ you're incredibly nosy. Seriously, though, I've been investigating Kate's mother's _

_ death; long story short, I was warned she would be safe as long as she backed off._

_ They didn't say anything about me investigating, so I did. I had the resources to go further than Kate; everything I found is documented on a flash drive along with the original documents. In the course of events, there was a file that was partially _

_ destroyed. I scanned each remaining piece, front and back - thought I was going _

_ to go insane! - those scans are also on the flash drive. We have an acquaintance in _

_ the FBI with really neat toys. Kate knows what to do._

_ I have here a letter to my attorney allowing you and/or Kate access to the file. _

_ Please, keep in touch with her. She's had so much heartache she will need you _

_ both, even if she doesn't think so. Please tell her I love her; I think she already _

_ knows, but just in case, please tell her. _

_ Alexis. What can I say. You're the light of my life and the best thing that has ever happened to me. There is a separate letter here for you as well._

_ I've done my best for you all, and I love you._

_ Richard Alexander Rogers , aka: Richard Edgar Castle_

Kate's hands were shaking by the time she finished with the letter. The line about him being dead if they were reading the letter hit her especially hard. Maybe it was just Rick being morbid; she knew he had a way of letting his imagination run away with him…but what if it wasn't? "Martha, when was the last time you heard from Rick?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"Not since he left, and I'm worried sick. He's never done…"

Before she could finish, Alexis spoke up, "Tonight! He called me tonight!"

Martha and Kate blurted, "When?" at the same second.

"During the show. He called to see how I was and to let me know he was okay."

"How did he sound?" Kate inquired. "Did he sound upset? Like he was in trouble?" She had slipped into interrogation mode without even realizing it.

"He sounded…okay, I guess. He was sorry he made me mad about missing my recital. Said he had forgotten all about it." Alexis twisted her fingers together and cocked her head to the side in embarrassment, "I kind of yelled at him," she told the women softly.

"It's okay, Alexis. Goodness knows that man has pushed my to that point many times in his life!" Martha exclaimed, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, he does have that ability, doesn't he?" Kate assured her. She turned back to the girl and asked if he had used his cell phone, since they would be able to track it if he had. Unfortunately, she had to tell the detective her father had bought 'burner' phones before he left, presumably to keep from being found by Kate.

Kate hurumphed. "Just great. Has there been any other communication from him? An email, maybe?"

Martha suddenly ran from the room. Kate and Alexis looked at each other in puzzlement until she returned holding an express mail envelope. "I guess it's lucky I've been too busy to do much house cleaning!" She hurriedly passed it to Kate.

"Oh, yeah! The pea-pod jewelry! I had forgotten all about that! It came in the mail, oh, what? A couple of weeks after he left?" Alexis looked to her grandmother for conformation.

"About that, yes," Martha agreed. "I had to smile. It's silly, but there was this conversation Richard and I had - I guess it's been two or three years ago now. I have this theory about.." she stopped when she saw Katherine's attention wavering, "Never mind. Anyway, this relates back to that conversation."

Kate thought to herself that Rick and his mother were really very similar, what with their rambling thoughts and explanations. "So we know he was at Monticello around a week or so ago. Well, that's better than nothing. Martha, Alexis, I promise you I will figure out where he is. If you hear _anything_ else from him, could you _please_ let me know? I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to trust me." Kate didn't miss the eye roll from Alexis. And she deserved it. And more, truth be told. "I have to put this case to rest, but to do that I need to put it where I have no contact with it, or I'll just get sucked down the rabbit hole again. I wish I could tell you more, but - and I know it sounds like a grade B movie - but it really is for your own safety."

"You're turning the files over to the Attorney General's office, aren't you?" Alexis said, more of a statement than a question.

"Yes, I am."

"Okay. That actually tells me a great deal about the nature of the person behind your mother's death, and everything else that's gone on." Alexis nodded her head as though pieces were quickly clicking together. Her dad was right about her; she had a scary sharp mind.

"I'd better get going. I've got lots to do before I leave in the morning." Kate stepped past the counter and walked to where she had laid her purse. She was almost to the door when the sound of her name made her stop and glance back. Martha was quickly walking toward her. Without stopping the older woman wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tightly. "I know I'm not your mother," she whispered, "but I'm _a_ mother. And whatever you need, you come to me, you hear me Katherine?"

All Kate could do was lean into the hug, trying desperately not to cry in front of Rick's family. Martha heard the catch and stutter in her indrawn breath anyway. In the next instant, Kate was slipping out the door.


End file.
